Showcase of a Shattered Mind (2003)

brighten j'lynn's day with an

current rantings or 2004 rants

tuesday - 23december2003 - 12:45
so i lied... perhaps tomorrow...

monday - 22december2003 - 10:05
i know, i know. it's really not that i've been slacking with getting pics of the house/ring out there, i've just been SO busy. friday we spent hours cleaning our new house and started moving stuff into it. saturday we went to wedowee for gma holloway's 93rd BIRTHDAY PARTY. i had planned on working on the pics that morning but that i had promised randal's sister i would put together a website for her business (not great right now, just threw some stuff together since i didn't have much time). saturday night we moved until about midnight and spent our first night on a bedroll on the floor in the house. i love my little house! sunday we moved from early morning till midnight again. i'm SO TIRED this morning! some of the guys from work have volunteered to help us move some of the big furniture at lunch today so tonight we should have a bed to sleep on. and i can ALMOST promise that i will have the pics put together tonight and posted sometime tomorrow.

friday - 19december2003 - 13:05
I HAVE A HOUSE!!! we just finished closing on our house. we have keys and garage door openers. it is official. :-D i took plenty of pictures that i will be posting later. keep an eye out. wooohooo, no more tiny apartment!!!

thursday - 27november2003 - 13:58
MY COUSIN IS HERE!!! very exciting to have company. my cousin, her husband (been a while since i blogged, perhaps i haven't mentioned my cousin got married on halloween. i've got pictures to post but, well you saw how long it took for my vacation pics to get out here), and their third drove all the way up here yesterday to visit -- and cook!!! so i'm very pleased. and i promised her sweater weather and we've been having great sweater weather this week, so that pleases me as well. and she likes my balcony. i miss my cousin. i love that she loves me enough to drive 7.5 hours to see me. (yes, i choose to believe that i am the one and only reason that she came here! it has nothing to do with world of coke!!!). perhaps more later...

wednesday - 29october2003 - 16:52
YAY!!! i just got offered my job full time! actually it was more like: "now if we could just get you to take your position full time, we'd be set." which is even better! it's so nice to feel like my work has been appreciated. now to decide whether to take it or not... and yes, i realize i've got no business posting this rant when i have not even gotten my trip pics posted yet. shame on me! :-( i have been working on them. things have just been so hectic, it's hard to find time. soon. i promise. there are some really nice pics too, so i really really want to get them out here.

wednesday - 1october2003 - 08:44
i'm getting very excited about our trip. we're leaving tomorrow and i've got THE LIST going of things that need to be done by tonight. i did two loads of laundry last night but i still have one more since we didn't get home from work last night until 2030. packing is going to pose a bit of a problem since we really only have two suitcases and they're the small carry-on size ones. but we'll do it. we're excellent packers. i got the reservations confirmed yesterday for two free nights at a very pretty looking canadian resort. it's right on the bay of fundy, which looks like a beautiful place. i'm hoping to go on a whale-watching tour gig. that would be pretty awesome. also looking very forward to spending some time with jenny. and she seems excited that we're coming so that just makes me look forward to it even more. my cousin has suggested some places we need to go so hopefully we'll have time to do that. it's going to be a great trip no matter what. and speaking of excitement, i'm also very happy about the ebullience emitting from the two brides-to-be. especially my cousin because i know she's been given such a hard time about her wedding and it's just wonderful to see her all excited. and i'm also very relieved to say that i have discovered someone else who cares enough to believe that she deserves the things a bride should have. thank you very much pk for caring about my cousin! well, time to get to work. i just wanted to vociferate my elation at upcoming events. :-D

sunday - 28september2003 - 21:38
alright, so it's taken about a month but i have FINALLY gotten all of my orlando pics posted. there you go - updates! i haven't much to say tonight. spent yesterday in wedowee. spent today relaxing and watching movies on our recently-installed cable. four more days to vacation! very very excited.

wednesday - 22september2003 - 14:48
haven't really got anything to rant about, but i promised my cousin i'd give her a rant to read. things have been awfully busy here lately. been working 50-60 hour weeks and just been exhausted. this wednesday will be 10 weeks since i've gymmed. ever since i started this job (oooh, i finally got my FIRST paycheck today!!!). i really would like to get back to my gymming routine, but there just doesn't seem to be any time. we've been getting to work about 0700 every morning and not getting home till about 2000 every night so by the time we eat some dinner and get slightly settled, it's time for shower and bed. and i can most certainly tell that i have not been gymming. although, at least i've been adding semi-body-hiding/disguising-garments to my wardrobe lately. i've been getting some very nice clothes. i'm very pleased with my new clothes. i'm very pleased that my side of the closet is very full now with mostly new, nice clothes (when we moved here at the first of the year, i had about half a rack of old, not very nice clothes and no winter clothes at all). it doesn't take much to amuse me. and i've been so proud of my cousin and her gradually increasing sveltness. wheels have been whirring lately (do they ever stop?) about where to go from here. my feelings are pretty dismal but i'm preparing myself anyhow. which i think is probably a good thing. i miss people but i'm not sure i'll be going back. i guess it just depends on what i can line up for myself. we'll see. no, i don't want any kind of lecturing or anything else. i am acutely aware of my situation and, believe it or not, i understand it more fully than anyone else. i am preparing for the worse and am coming to terms with it. i am considering my future. so be it. why don't cell phones redial quicker? i need a fast-redialing phone. grrr. so we are trying to leave this coming thursday for vacation. i'm very excited. of course, i'm also very self-pissed because i had found terrific airfare last week, decided to wait till morning to book it, and the next morning everything had doubled. stupid me. but i'm hopeful that perhaps i'll be able to find some sort of last minute deal. who knows. looking forward to the trip though. it should be fun. it will finish up the 48 continental united states for me. then i'll be free to see alaska and hawaii and i'll be one of those people who can say "i've been to all 50 states". i have such lofty aspirations. lol. i was pleased that jenny seems to be excited about our upcoming visit. it will be nice to see her. the good news is that they do not smoke in their apartment. the bad news is that they smoke freely in their car. we can deal though. well, i suppose that's enough work-escape for now.

wednesday - 3september2003 - 15:09
peaceful sleep, tiny angel...

wednesday - 20august2003 - 16:53
going on night three alone. night one was fine. not a problem at all. last night though, somebody decided it was a good idea to have a very loud thunderstorm outside my window at 0330, thereby waking me (and i never fall back asleep after being startled awake). while i lay there trying to get back to sleep without thinking paranoid thoughts and waiting for my alarm to start its 0615 harassment, i finally managed to doze very slightly sometime after 0500. the dozing, of course, was punctuated by nightmares. the first one featured someone breaking in to the apartment and attacking me as i slept. the attacker turned out to be an old friend-type-person (friend is such a strong word) of mine. i can't recall if she managed to seriously hurt me or how but i recall somehow catching her with the aid of an unknown neighbor. i had her arrested and was pressing charges. i was very upset over the fact that she was able to break into the front door without me hearing the door itself or the alarm that should have gone off when the front door opened. nor did i hear the noise of her breaking through the locked bathroom/bedroom door. i vociferated my agitation about all of this to the police. the second nightmare involved another attack at my apartment. this time, i did hear all of the break in noises. i woke when i heard them entering the front door. i reached for the phone but there was a pile of phones (cordless handsets/cell phones) and remotes and all of the batteries for everything were scattered all over. skip over some forgotten details to when they actually broke into the locked bathroom/bedroom door and physically attacking me. turned out to be "my dad and his wife", not my real dad and rhena but a guy i knew as my dad and his wife in my dream who i knew to be deranged. the last detail i recall before waking was turning my head (i was laying on my back on the floor on my side of the bed) and seeing a pool of blood soaking into the carpet and presuming it must be mine. so, it was a crummy night. i was very eager to get up and get to work this morning. i made it in at 0715 and had the building to myself for about 45 minutes (give or take, i actually never noticed when exactly the first guy came in but sometime around 0800 i looked up and saw a light on across the hall starkly contrasted to the darkened office i was working in). perhaps tonight will be a less terrifying night. if i could at least dream in abstract, i don't think it would be so bad, but all of my dreams are always so realistic and true to the details of my reality. and, of course, i have been absolutely exhausted today. on the bright side, it has been announced that diane intends to attend her daughter's wedding. for my cousin's sake, i'm glad (not that she really cares about her being there but just because you sure as heck should think enough of your daughter to be there for her wedding, no matter what your feelings are toward her fiancÚ or wedding plans). for orlando's sake, i'm worried. we now have 71 days to prepare our respective loved ones for her presence. sigh, i swore i would never be in the same county as that woman again. i will do it because i know it is important to my cousin that i be there, and i wouldn't miss her wedding (since i get a say this time) anyhow. but i worry for randal, jim, ma, and all the other "innocents". hopefully, either her son or my mom will be able to control her behavior/tongue. it should make for a very interesting matrimonial event. perhaps she will surprise us all and show up to play the part of loving-mother-of-the-bride. all we can do is hope and psych ourselves up. i, myself, am looking forward to the wedding. she's happy. they are good together. and he loves her so much.

21:20 - well, it's been made official. my boy will not be able to go with me on my upcoming trip to orlando. this is very sad for me. i don't want to go alone. how sad. but i do want to go. sigh. i was so hoping that things would miraculously go better than expected this week. so much for that. i don't know what i'm going to do about his birthday. somehow, he always finds a way to ruin my plans for his birthdays. big meanie. knowing how much i love birthdays. sigh. perhaps i can still convince him to drive down next weekend and join me for the weekend. doubtful but i can't be expected to give up all hope all at once. :(

friday - 15august2003 - 09:17
yesterday was the 4th anniversary of our first date. he called me, i didn't know who he was (we had met twice and i had called him boy, as all boys are called, so when he called he said "this is boy" and just laughed when i asked him to be more specific), he asked if my cousin and i would want to do something since he knew no one in town. long story semi-short, i didn't know it was a date until about two weeks later because he was making so many excuses for asking me out i figured it was a friend thing. four years. that seems like an enormous amount of time to be with one person. that's an entire high school diploma or undergrad degree. we worked until 8 last night, then went to dinner and a movie. we saw american wedding. there really weren't any movies playing that i have really been wanting to see, but since we've seen the first two, might as well see the last one. it was funny and depressing (only in my mind, of course). my only complaint was that they made stiffler way too prominent a character and 10x as obnoxious as he was in the other two. he had a couple of scenes that i really could have lived without seeing. overall, it made me laugh. it was a nice evening. it cheered me up. i had gotten a little down yesterday afternoon (between him forgetting, my cousin, and jenny's situation). the reason we worked so late last night was so that i wouldn't have to go in to work today. part of my contract is that i can only work 42 hours a week and at 6 last night i already had 40.5 so i figured i might as well work the other 1.5 hours and be done for the week. it's a great job. i am hoping that, as time goes on, they find me more helpful than they expected and extend my contract. i think they were all very pleasantly surprised at my doc-writing skills. i have written three docs now, all for internal/employee functions. however, since they really have no doc at all right now, my next project (after forms are settled) may be to start writing up some product doc. i enjoy both tasks so it works well enough for me. and i so appreciate the accolades that i have been receiving for my doc from each of them (i'm a highly praise-needy person). i am trying to figure out how my upcoming visit to orlando is going to work out. most likely, boy will not be able to go for the whole week because he will be needed at a customer's site. this means that either we go down for a long weekend the end of the month (1st of september is a holiday so it wouldn't just be a rushed weekend jaunt) or i fly down next weekend and stay the week (have to find out about working remotely for that to work) and either fly back the following weekend or randal joins me for that weekend and we come back together. i would like that option. not only because we've been spending sooooo much time with his family that i think he should join me for partaking of my family. but also because i would like to celebrate his birthday with him at least close to the day. since i have it all planned out and am very excited. we'll see. also very excited because, after sending the email announcing my visit, i actually received replies from 7 people who are interested in seeing me! (not including family, of course, since they are just a given). after my last visit i was pretty upset because it seemed like no one wanted to see me but this time, 7 PEOPLE! and i am very much looking forward to seeing every one of them. i was looking through all of the pictures on my site yesterday during a non-productive period and i was amazed to recall all of the beautiful places we have been and seen. i think that's the one thing i miss about our former employment situation. we worked ourselves crazy and traveled to exhaustion trying to build the company, but even if it wasn't pleasure-travel, we saw so many places. and on most trips there was a day or two on the weekend that we were able to stop and do something fun. i miss that. there are so many beautiful places. i wish we had taken pictures of it all. always in such a rush. i can't wait until our trip up to new england/michigan. we're hoping sometime in september. i think october would be better for foliage but october is pretty much shot with orlando weddings. that will finish up my states in the continental us. then we'll be even and we can do alaska and hawaii for the first time together. i've about decided that traveling is the very best thing to do in life. for the rest of my life i would love to just work enough to be able to see everything i can. yep, that's my ambition.

thursday - 31july2003 - 17:34
HAPPY BIRTHDAY RANDAL'S DAD! well, for anyone who knows about that horrible situation that brought us here, please pray that it is being resolved as i type. all else is going fairly well. randal was slightly under the weather last weekend and this has just been a terrible week for getting up in the mornings. haven't gymmed once! which sucks since i was doing so well when i was home all day before i got my new job. not that i'm complaining, the job is going great! it's so nice to be back to something that requires a mind. i appreciate thinking a little. not sure when i'll be getting my first paycheck but i'm sure that will elicit large amounts of appreciation as well. :-D alright so i didn't have much of anything to say but please do keep your fingers crossed.

wednesday - 23july2003 - 21:00
today was my first day at my new job! it is a contract position doing pretty much the same stuff i was doing with compass in orlando. i like it because it utilizes some intelligence, unlike my most recent position. and it is great pay! not sure how long the contract will last but that i'm not terribly concerned with that. it will be great for my psyche, bank account, and resume. can't ask for anything more. :-) so things are good. and thanks to a tip from my cousin, i might be getting a very cheap thumb drive all my own tomorrow. we'll see.

monday - 21july2003 - 22:04
i have the sweetest boy in the world! i got out of the shower today to find a ducky gift bag with a ducky thinking of you card on the bathroom floor. the card: "ducks for the one i love!" inside the bag: two absolutely beautiful wooden decoy ducks. the mallard is pretty but the other one (cinnamon teal is my guess), oh, it's just gorgeous. he's been working out of town for the last week and i haven't seen much of him. he said he saw an antique shop on his way home today that had a duck in the window, and he just had to stop and get it for me because he missed me so much. :-d what a sweetie.

tuesday - 15july2003 - 23:53
this is the first night in the last 1,432 nights that i have felt alright about being alone. ever since the robbery i have had this tremendously infuriating fear of being alone, especially at night. on nights that i have had to spend alone, i have cowered. keeping every light on, every door locked, not even going near a door or window after dusk, and watching tv in bed until i couldn't keep my eyes open any longer and was able to drift into an unrestful, nightmare filled sleep. tonight, i decided i wanted to sit out on the balcony with a glass of wine and write. however, i wanted music playing while i did so. the cds being down in the car, i grabbed my keys and put my shoes on and went down to the parking lot at ten o'clock at night. by myself, in the dark, with hardly a second thought. now i'm out on the balcony and i'm content, placid. i watch the people walking and driving by and i'm not freezing up like i usually do. i carry so much anger from that experience. before that night, i never feared. all of a sudden, some jerk-off strangers instilled a fear so deep into my life that i honestly don't think i will ever be able to rid myself of it. and that just makes me furious. but tonight i'm relaxed. tonight i'm happy because i feel a piece of myself long displaced. i feel a comfort with myself that makes me feel that i could be alone. i really am choosing not to be, not needing not to be. i've long questioned that, but in this moment i am certain that i am capable. life is so much better than i allow myself to notice.

monday - 30june2003 - 13:12
sadness and self-loathing. warning: this is most likely as far as you want to read for this entry. just got back from a week in orlando. other than getting to see "my kids," a very sad and boring week filled with questions of what-is-so-horrible-about-me-that-i-have-no-friends. and, of course, the quite extensive list that i can conjure in reply. i don't really know how long it's been since i had anything at all i could find to like about me. which is just one more thing i hate about me. went out on a date thursday night. went to the beach for one of our old-time strolls in the sand and dinner on the pier. it was a very nice evening until our very deep and melancholy conversation which basically boiled down to how he's never going to be happy with me. it was a nice evening, just so melancholy. but i do love that we communicate. so it goes. my cousin keeps trying to convince me to move back to orlando. "you're not happy." i don't think i'd be any happier there though. i don't feel like i belong there. i have my family and i enjoy seeing them, but that's it. not that i feel much more like i belong here. i guess i just don't belong period. who knows. i said i would give it a year and i've got six months left. i need to get back in the gym. i have no desire to get back in the gym. boy has now gymmed thrice since we got home saturday evening. i have gymmed not at all since we got home saturday evening. i know very well that i need to. clearly evident by the fact that i refuse to wear any less than loose sweatpants around the apartment. i tried very hard to convince myself this morning so that i could start the week right, but the nausea told me that it had a great excuse for me to get out of it. perhaps tonight. perhaps i just tell boy he must force me. i hate that i won't go. don't worry, i will spare you from the what-i-hate-about-me list. i also think it's about time to find another job. i think i'm about to lose the flexibility that i have here so it's really not worth keeping. i think my family looks down on my job. i've tried to explain to them my rational: that i'm trading a good job for flexibility. but they just see a crappy job. in any case, if i'm going to lose the flexibility, there's no use putting up with it any longer. well, that was all very redundant, whiny, and not at all poetic and soulful. sometimes breathing is just so suffocating. sigh...

wednesday - 28may2003 - 16:46
we had our first orlando visitors!!! my dad and his wife, rhena, stopped by on their way back home from pennsylvania. it was a nice visit and we were very pleased to have company from home. we olive gardened last night and hiked stone mountain this morning. i hadn't been there before. it's a nice little park. very big rock. has a nice, shady, not-very-traveled path all the way around the base of the mountain. i have posted some pictures on my events/occasions page.

tuesday - 27may2003 - 17:53
define sadness:
what if i had a duck that was a wonderful duck. and we played together and loved each other and were codependent in a happy way. and then i killed it without wanting to, without meaning to, without having any control over it. i sure would miss that duck... :`-(

wednesday - 21may2003 - 16:44
yay!!! just got offered a new job. there's some complications so i'm not certain how it will work out but keep your fingers crossed for me. it would be a great job with great opportunities! :-d

friday - 09may2003 - 08:52
arrrgghhh!!!!! don't know how much longer i can put up with this job. don't know if it's really worth it. it's flexible, but... so last week, dr says that he doesn't really feel comfortable having "hours" anymore since he's doing coaching and all that gig and may not always be available the same hours, he'll just see patients when they can be seen. so, fine, we'll do that. so i call him yesterday to tell him we have a new patient coming in and she can be seen either after his practice yesterday evening, 0800 this morning, or 1330 this afternoon. so he starts flipping out about "i'm not going to let some new patient telling me when to be in the office! how dare they try to dictate my hours to me! you don't call up a dr and tell them you'll give them three times you'll be seen!" at which point, i responded that last week he had done away with "hours". this didn't seem a logical argument to him as he kept ranting about you tell people that i will see them between 0900 and 1400 and that's it. so fine, this morning, a regular patient calls to see if he can come in around 0900. i say fine, afterall, that's within the "hours" that dr set yesterday. i then call dr to inform him that there will be a patient in at 0900 so that he is not late. so he chews me out about you really need to call me before you make an appointment and i had a rough night and i'm still in bed and waaahhh wahhh waaahhhh! criminy, man! grow up! it's really bad when i'm the cheery optimist around here. any of you who know me can appreciate the full impact of that. when i first started here, he talked a lot about having to have good, positive energy. i gave him the benefit of the doubt for awhile because of his domestic situation but this week he's actually been happy with things and he's still immensely negative! aarrggghhhh! alright, i feel better now.

tuesday - 06may2003 - 13:13
just had the privilege of hearing my very first tornado siren! the sky is very ominous. the sirens keep sounding for a few minutes then going off for about a minute before sounding again. they had a twister about 8 miles nw of here and now they are saying there is activity in our specific area. we've been standing outside watching the clouds.
14:27 - i just went through my first tornado gig! we didn't get one but the weather was very ominous and the tornado sirens sounded all around town for about 20 minutes. the sky was dark with a green tint and we (3 of boy's co-workers and i - randal is out of town for the morning) stood out back watching the clouds swirl around. after about 10 minutes the cold winds started to bring heavy rain and then marble-size hail. very exciting. quote of the day: "alright guys, i'm getting freaked out" says bob when the hail starts. lol. what fun.

monday - 31march2003 - 09:35
thought these were beautiful and had to post them:
When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George bush. He answered by saying that,
"Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."
it became very quiet in the room.
it is the Soldier

it is the soldier, not the reporter,
Who gives us freedom of the press.
It is the soldier, not the poet,
Who gives us freedom of speech.
It is the soldier, not the campus organizer,
Who gives us freedom to demonstrate.
It is the soldier who salutes the flag,
Who serves beneath the flag,
And whose coffin is draped by the flag,
Who allows the protester the freedom to burn the flag.

author unknown

tuesday - 18march2003 - 10:52

alright, i've said it before, i don't like war. but i am so upset about all of these antiwar protesters out there doing nothing but lowering the morale of the men and women who are fighting for their freedom. i believe in the right to free speech, but these people don't have a clue how they got that right. they don't have a clue that our soldiers are guaranteeing them that right. and i would bet that most of them don't even know any soldiers. don't have anyone they care about who is far away in an unknown location right now just waiting to do their job so that we can sleep at night. do they think that these soldiers really like war? do they think that president bush really likes war? PEOPLE, OUR HUMANITY HAS NOT YET OUTGROWN THE NECESSITY OF WAR! it is not good, it is not fun, but it is still necessary if you want to continue to have your own thoughts and to have your own prerogative. nobody, nobody would have okayed war in afghanistan on september 10, 2001. one day later, nearly the whole country was behind the president. these are different times. the nations who are our enemies now do not announce declarations of war. they just strike. for no apparent reason. with nothing but pure malice. and kill thousands of innocent people. do you really think that it is better to just sit around and wait for that to happen before we act? our presidents have been showing diplomacy to that jerk for over a decade and he has not complied. at some point we need to protect ourselves, not just retaliate when another mass grave is created in our country. i say it is time for these idealists to GROW UP and take a look around them. if you want the freedom that comes with living in this country, then you need to SUPPORT the people who fight for it!

saturday - 11february2003 - 09:34
i get a little upset about my friend's idealistic war protests. i agree with everything she says about how stupid and senseless and tragic it is. but in today's world, i believe that we have not yet outlived the necessity for it. which is a terrible shame. as horrible as it is, how can you defend making our whole nation a sitting duck? i am so troubled everytime i think of the soldiers protecting us. i cry everytime i hear a war song. i worry constantly about people i haven't seen in years because i know that they are involved in all of this. my heart is frequently troubled by concerns over ryan andzelik, casey clouchete, jason pace, james abell, ken spradlin, and jamie gray. although they are not part of my life anymore, i pray for those who are in their lives. and as much as it kills me that they may be risking their lives, how can one say that we shouldn't go to war? isolationism is no longer realistic. and as long as there are hostile countries, how can we just back down and say "we are peaceful people." it would be a wonderful world, but it is only fantasy at this point in time. so why do young people today, who have no clue about the real world, justify their idealism? perhaps one day... but unfortunately not today...

saturday - 8february2003 - 21:57
torn between heart and mind...
is home really where the heart is; or is home where the mind knows it should be?
isn't it funny how "against my better judgement" is a phrase that so often follows following the heart?

monday - 24june2002 - 09:08
well, here is my compilation of memories of grandpa. not quite extensive. i thought long and hard and this is all i've got. how sad is that. although i was careful to exclude any memories after grandma died, since i was trying for nice memories and that was when i made a conscious decision to never have anymore to do with him. it really is more of a list than a poem. maybe one day i will be able to prettyify it. i at least felt i needed to document what i knew of him.
On Remembering Grandpa
i struggle for memories of the man i called grandpa
i remember his big brown hairy dog that grandma hated
	i always suspected it was not his "work dog" but a pet he shared with her instead
	i guess i'll never know for sure
i remember sleeping on the couch in the basement under his many menacing marionettes
        Very disturbing to have so many caricaturized wooden clowns and such hung 
        from strings above my young head
i remember mom gathering us around the speaker phone to call and sing happy birthday to him
        He was so excited to hear all of us and proceeded to tell a highly offensive cat-and-mouse 
        joke - quite inappropriate for his daughter and small grandchildren
i remember his small tabletop christmas tree sitting on the end table in the living room
	adorned with lights illuminating the presents scattered all over the room
i remember my sister's memories of growing up around him
        grandpa would stick his dentures out of his mouth and turn his coon-skin cap 
        around at the dinner table and jonna would get in trouble for laughing at the table
of all of our visits to new jersey, the only memory i can conjure of his face, was him 
sitting at the table in the kitchen in the basement with half a marble bunt cake in front of 
him, offering me a sliver because the rest was his

john henry weber (06/25/1918 - 06/20/2002)
© 2002-2003 J'Lynn V Lukawitz

sunday - 23june2002 - 09:41
interestingly enough, grandpa's death inspired me to write a poem about my grandmother. sorry it took so long grandma. i am somewhat pleased though since it's the first writing that i have started and finished in about five years. perhaps later i will give grandpa his consideration...
On Remembering Grandma
			memory-makers (since i haven't many memories of my own)
my cousin and i

we watch my grandmother laying in wait for us all to leave so that she can be in peace

she doesn't seem to mind that we have been rummaging through her home
	and waiting up through the nights for her to visit

she doesn't seem upset that her children resort to violence as a means of coping
	fighting amongst each other like their mother didn't raise them any better

she doesn't even seem angry that her husband's paramour has written and published her obituary
        and placed a catholic alter for mass cards at the front of the room
        (because grandma was never catholic a day in her life)
                and walks solemnly in line to stand directly before her casket 
                to look into grandma's face (perhaps for the first time in 
                these forty years -- is she reveling?)

perhaps that is why grandma does not seem to mind
	perhaps she is the one reveling
		she has paid her dues
			raised her family
				stood by her faithless husband
                                        even waited until her daughter's birthday had passed
                                                and kept her promise to me that there would be 
                                                snow -- next time, honey, i promise

she looks down at this slattern looking down at her and says "you can have him!"

	she has done her best

		and settled her business

			and is ready for peace

in memory of shirley schaffer weber (05/30/1918 - 02/06/1995)
© 2002-2003 J'Lynn V Lukawitz

sunday - 21january1996 - 12:18
this was written several years ago after hearing some terrifying news about a very good friend of mine.
a mother
a mother sits in silent pain
     day by day by her daughter's side
trying to help her through
     keeping emotions locked inside

     she tries not to show her hurt
and must disguise her anger
     just pushes that aside
to comfort her dying daughter

she knows what the chances are
     that her daughter will survive
and makes plans to bury a grandchild
     before it is ever alive

     she plays the part of one who's strong
to bear her husband's grief
     as he watches daddy's little girl
and recalls her life, so brief

she has to be mother, wife
     and grandmother-not-to-be
no time to hold herself and cry
     can't allow them to see

     for if she takes time out to hurt
they will surely fall apart
     now is not the time
for a mother to mend her breaking heart

a mother sits in silent pain
     day by day by her daughter's side
watches daughter and grandchild slowly slip away
     silently, a mother has died
© 1996-2003 J'Lynn V Lukawitz

tuesday - 4april1995 - 16:47
on a particularly cheery day...
the end is near
i'm sick of the roller coaster that is my life
the people, the times, there's nothing i hold dear
my one comforting thought that i keep through this strife
i just tell myself:  "the end is near"

my "friends" don't care, i have nobody close
love is but a dream i'll never have, i fear
these feelings that i feel, no one knows
i just tell myself:  "the end is near"

i do nothing but cry and the world is a blur
i find it harder and harder to live here
but soon it will all be over
i just tell myself:  "the end is near"

i ask myself why it must be this way
and i hide my solemn tears
then i begin to smile, for, today
i tell myself:  "the end is here"
© 1995-2003 J'Lynn V Lukawitz

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