I dreamt about my dad last night.  He came to me and asked me to write down a letter to my sister and me.  I was upset because I was out walking with the turkey so I had nothing to write with.  I tried grabbing the diaper pad and ointment tube but, obviously,that didn’t work very well.  Just like a phone call with him, daddy was talking talking talking and I couldn’t keep up even if I had a way of capturing it all.  I tried so hard to pay attention; I wanted so badly to remember every word.  When I woke up, all I had was a few little snippets and a sense of calm – no tears for a change.    I remember him saying that he was good and he felt wonderful.  I know he elaborated on that but, for the life of me, I just can’t catch it.  The clearest thing I remember was him asking me to tell my sister how proud he was of us and our kids.  He said we all made his life worth living.  Mostly, I remember the feeling of his love and of my love for him. 

It was so good to talk to you again, daddy. Until next time…

the turkey amazes me more and more every day.  he is growing and learning so quickly!  this week, he had several big accomplishments.  the first one he’s been working on for a few weeks now.  he has a little rainforest light/sound/motion toy that hangs on the slats of his crib.  the button to turn it on is a big toucan among the leaves on the front of it.  over the last few weeks, he figured out that much… he knew that there was a button to turn it on somewhere in that vicinity and he kept kicking and hitting at the leaves, trying to make it work.  this week, he finally got it.  he’ll now spend ten, fifteen minutes just reaching up and hitting the button over and over – on, off, on, off… yes, we have had to replace the batteries now.  🙂  he’s also started whistling and standing up against the ottoman to play.  such a big boy!

I’ve officially had my first real breakdown.  I’ve been crying almost non-stop the last couple days.  I just feel utterly worn out… Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  Nearly 7 months of trying to keep all the balls in the air is catching up to me and I’m just wiped.  It’s so hard to be a full time mommy, wife, employee, housekeeper, and chef.  I’m praying fervently to find my way past this before I cause permanent psychological damage to my poor little boy.

It amazes me how much it still hurts.  I just keep waiting for it to get easier.  For him to not be constantly in my thoughts.  For me to stop expecting him to call.  For the fiery pain of missing him to subside.  Surely, that day is coming.  I spent a day last week watching the few little video clips I have of him.  Strange that if I hadn’t had a kid, I wouldn’t have his voice at all anymore.  I went running in the woods a few days ago and kept waiting for my phone to ring because he always seemed to call when I was walking back there during the pregnancy.  Now he’s completely gone from my phone history and I’ll never see a call from him again.  There are days that I just feel like a zombie wallowing around in melancholy, brightening up briefly while the turkey is awake. It seems like the peace that I felt about his death when my mil was doing so poorly has loosened now that she’s recovering.  That’s really crappy of me… It’s not like I’m not ecstatic that she’s doing so much better… I just wish so hard…

Finally, at 6.5 months (201 days) old, the turkey has officially doubled his birth weight.  A couple months late but growth is growth and he is such a little chunk these days.  He’s also getting ready to be a load of trouble.  He’s not really crawling around us but he’s rolling over onto his belly and scooting around his crib, reaching through the bars trying to find trouble.  Tonight, he scooted himself over to the corner and was hitting the button on his little light/music aquarium trying to turn it on.  He’s such a little smarty.  I don’t see how but my love and pride and joy for that little boy increase exponentially every day.

today, we put the turkey in the stroller and walked down to the mall (a mile away) and spent the afternoon walking around.  it was such a wonderful way to spend the day.  i am so grateful for my fabulous husband and joyful son!

there are times when this wee one looks at me and i feel like the most beautiful woman in the whole world.

we borrowed ella’s jogging stroller since it’ll be a few months before she can use it.  tonight was my first “run” in a year and a half or so.  it felt good to move again but, good gravy, i’m out of shape!  all in all, i think i did fairly well.  my longest stretch was 3/4 mile but i probably did about 2.5 miles total (and walked another 3).  it was strange running with the stroller.  i felt like my striking and gait were off so i guess it’ll take some getting used to.  the turkey seemed to enjoy being able to look around so what else really matters?

we went back to chef and trainwreck’s house today to help ash with ella.  our little turkey was much more curious this time about his new best friend. he was so sweet with her, it just melted my heart.  these two have so many good times ahead of them!