hard to believe that it’s been two years since i last heard your voice and your laughter.  it’s unreal that life has just gone on without you.  your grandson, who you were so excited to meet, is a toddler now. complete with sleeping fits and tantrums and singing songs and real conversations and just all kinds of amazing. he is ridiculously smart.  you would be so proud and you would have a ton of fun with him. he’s a big brother now. truly, he’s the best big brother on earth. he has a little brother who we named in your honor. the sequel has your hairline, dark hair, and blue eyes.  you would dote on these boys and spoil them rotten; i just know it. the turkey asks to look at pictures and videos of grampy all the time.  it makes my heart smile and ache all at the same time.  i still give him a kiss on the forehead from grampy every night before bed.  i do the same for the sequel because i know you would tell me to and i want him to grow up knowing just how much you would have adored him.

i love you, daddy.  i love you and i miss you every day.

i love how your pride and joy shines through in this photo

the turkey looks just as proud holding his brother as you looked holding him

so he was born at 01:20 and i started nursing him at 01:47.  he did pretty good on the first side but his nose seemed a little stuffy so it made for slow going.  when we switched to the other side, it seemed like he was having a very difficult time getting air through his nose.  he was basically having to break his latch to gulp air between swallows.  we attempted to suction his nose a couple times and then had a nurse come in to try as well.  at 02:48, he christened me with his first meconium so the nurse took him from me to give him a quick cleanup and get a diaper on him.  during this time, his breathing became more labored so around 03:15 they took him to the nursery for a checkup.  the turkey never left our room so it made me very anxious that they were taking him away from us.  about 03:45, a dr came in without my son and introduced herself as a nicu dr. at this point, i immediately burst into tears and could barely focus enough on her words to understand that my son had been admitted to the nicu for breathing complications due to nasal inflammation and would not be coming back to me.  when she left, i had to ask my husband to explain to me what had happened and when we were going to get our son back.   Read the rest of this entry »

it turns out that the sequel decided to begin his arrival on his due date after all.  the contractions i was having all afternoon were, indeed, early labor. it was hard to tell whether it was just soreness and reaction to the exam at the dr appt that morning or if it was more meaningful progress. after work, we took the turkey for a walk and i was having some pretty intense contractions but they were so irregular. they would come close together with high intensity and then they would either space out at the same intensity or mellow out at the same frequency. they didn’t affect my walking, never got to the point where i had to slow down or really pay them any real attention. at one point during that walk, i even layed down on a bench to see if they would change. i pretty much decided it was all much ado about nothing. at 23:30 that night, i was still trying to determine whether it was labor.  my contractions were still in the 7-8 minute range at that point but i was having an increasing amount of discharge with them.  since my water just spontaneously broke with my first one and i never really started having contractions until a few hours after that, i really felt clueless about what i should be expecting from a “normal” labor.  and so, at 23:33, i was googling my situation because i am that stupid girl.  by 23:40, my contractions spontaneously dropped from 7 minutes to 2 minutes and kept getting stronger.  i got up and walked around and when several more 2-3 minute contractions went by with no change, i decided it was time to have a baby.  around midnight, we called sunny to come stay with the turkey.  while giving her last minute instructions and transferring the car seat, contractions were strong enough that i had to stop walking to get through them.

while they were transferring the car seat, i managed to grin and bear my way through a selfie in the sequel's room

by the time we got down to the car to leave, i was having to fight the urge to push.  we were on the road at 00:34 with hubby driving like a maniac.  i had to warn him to slow down on the speed bump road or else he’d be delivering his son.  after running all the red lights and running into the er to get someone to bring a wheelchair, we made it to the labor/delivery ward by 00:47. they asked me a few questions and had hubby fill out some paperwork but after witnessing my 60-90 second contractions, they quickly decided to skip all the rest of the formalities and get me into a room.

away she goes

i was wheeled into l/d3… the same room that the turkey was born into.  i felt a huge calm over that coincidence.  when we got into the room, they made me take off my wonder woman gown and change into the good ol’ hospital duds before getting me into the bed and hooking me up to the monitors at 01:01.  they tried to get an iv in my arm but the contractions were about a minute and i was rolled over holding the right side rail in a death grip chanting “don’t push, can’t push, too soon to push”.  the on-call midwife came in and informed me that i was fully dilated but he was still at 0 station so i did, indeed, need to hold off on pushing.

yes, the nurses were laughing at me for smiling for the pictures between contractions

just a few contractions later, i told them there was no way for me to fight it any longer; i had to push.  they rushed the midwife back in and she seemed a little shocked to find him crowning.  finally, i was able to push and, oh my goodness, that was so hard.  the contractions hurt.  but i can’t really call what i felt during that pushing pain.  it was burning.  the most intense burning ever.  like the world’s worst uti to the millionth power.  but more than that, it was exhausting.  i pushed with everything i had, my left leg shaking uncontrollably in the nurse’s arm, and they asked for more.  i pushed again, finding a new reserve of power when i looked down and noticed that i could see the top of my son’s head.

"i can see him!!!"

when i took a breather that time, i didn’t think i could possibly go anymore.  i felt completely drained.  but as the next contraction started, i focused on wanting to see the rest of that head and i pushed until i did.  and on the verge of tears because i just didn’t see how i could possibly muster up anymore energy to finish freeing him, i pushed one last time and watched his shoulders break free and then he just slipped out while the midwife turned him.  it was the most amazing thing i’ve ever seen.  i watched with perfect clarity as my son entered this world and they immediately handed him straight to me.  at 01:20, nineteen minutes after getting in the bed, he was in my arms.

instantly in love

perfection

beaming with pride

this whole thing was such a different experience from the turkey’s birth that there really just is no comparison.  i really can’t complain about the turkey’s birth but there were things that i would go back and change (mainly getting the stupid phenergan that made me miss whole chunks of the experience).  this time, there isn’t a single thing i would have changed.  it was completely the ideal.  i was able to be 100% present for the entire duration.  i felt every single contraction and every single push and i was able to witness the delivery from start to finish.  my birth plan (what a joke those are) was going to be to ask for a mirror this time because i didn’t even know that was an option last time and i really wanted to be able to see everything.  what a blessing that i didn’t even need that.

even the hospital’s philosophy was completely different this time.  two years ago, they did all kinds of things like suctioning and roughing up before handing him to me.  i got to hold him for just a few minutes before they took him away to bathe, weigh, measure, and print him.  i didn’t get to nurse him until they were done with all of that.  this time, they handed him straight to me.  they roughed him up while he was in my arms but didn’t do anything else to him.  he actually didn’t even get his first bath until he was two days old.  i was able to hold him and nurse him at my own leisure.  unfortunately, it was during the nursing that we discovered a problem…

happy due day to me, happy due day to me, happy due date dear me, happy due day to me!

the sequel is very comfortable and is in no rush to meet us.  the dr was laughing about how wrong he’s been when he came into the office this morning.  the sequel is measuring 7lbs 8oz, which puts him right there with his brother’s size.  growth restricted my pinky toe! i’m 4cm, 90%, 0 station.  the dr was very confident that he’s coming this weekend.  “i know the feel of ripe for birth and you’re there.”  um, no offence doc, but i’ve been listening to that for the last four weeks!  the practice has a policy of not allowing patients to go past 41 weeks for the safety of the baby.  if i’m still pregnant next week, they’ll break my water.  i’m really hoping he decides to join us naturally before then.  in the meantime, i’ve had some wicked contractions all afternoon but they’re not staying regular.  between the soreness from the exam and the contractions, it’s been a fun afternoon.

8 Sep 2016

this is perhaps one of the most heartwarming moments of my life… i followed my hubby and the turkey around the pool this morning taking pictures and videos of his first time using swimmies.  he did so great with them and even did some totally solo swimming which i thought was awesome for his first try.  so after me taking all these pix, the turkey grabbed the camera from me, ran to daddy and gave it to him saying “i want picture with mommy”.

as requested

1 Sep 2016

at our appointment on tuesday, there were no changes and the dr seemed pretty surprised.  his first words coming into the exam room were that he was shocked he hadn’t seen us at the hospital over the weekend; that he was sure after the exam last week that i wouldn’t make it another week.  so much for his intuitions.

i actually thought today was the day.  contractions started at 04:00 strong enough to wake me out of a sound sleep.  they continued every 6-7 minutes for about an hour and a half and then backed off enough for me to fall back asleep for a little while.  they started up again while i was at the gym and got stronger and stronger during my workout.  i came back and put my legs up while i worked and they continued every 5-8 minutes for another four hours.  they never got more regular though and they never got more intense and, a little after noon, they fizzled out.  i’m in no hurry to see this pregnancy end but it was exciting to think that we were going to finally meet our little sequel.  soon.  very soon.

the hubby can’t say that i haven’t tried to give him a child on his birthday.  the last one was in too big a hurry and this one is taking his time.  i did all i could do.  still, i think he had a great birthday, considering i couldn’t even throw him a proper birthday bash fitting the momentous occasion. happy birthday, my love!!!

to the next half-century!

i can’t believe my precious little baby boy is already two years old.  i feel like it was just yesterday that we were sharing the exciting news with all of our loved ones and now he’s this amazing boy who talks in sentences and is incredibly smart and loves everyone and looks nothing at all like a baby anymore.  since we didn’t know what might happen with the sequel, we kept his party pretty simple.  invited our closest friends over for a casual beach day and he had a great time.  i love this little boy so much!

beach boy!

my beautiful family

the birthday boy(s)

no hesitating on the cake this year!

we had a much better dr visit today, praise the Lord! the sequel measured 5lbs 15oz and his abdominal measurement showed in the 58th percentile this week.  obviously, i don’t believe he actually went from 2% to 58% in a week and i certainly don’t think he gained a whole pound in a week either so either someone was way off or one was a little low and one was a little high and he’s actually somewhere in the middle of them.  either way, between the less alarming measurements and the strong fetal monitoring in the NST, the dr was much happier and, therefore, we were ecstatic!  i wasn’t so happy to hear that we’ll be doing an ultrasound and NST every week from here on but whatever it takes to make sure he’s doing well. not to mention, we got a great look at the little cutie pie 🙂

look at that sweet little face!

we actually went to the appointment with our bags packed, just in case, because of last week’s scare.  i was so very glad that we got to come back home and let him continue baking. of course, the dr also said that i’m already 2cm, 80% and he’s low enough that he was pushing the dr away with his head so going to term is still questionable.  his parting comment was that i’ll need to get to the hospital quick if labor does start because this one will push his way out in a hurry.  somehow, i’m not holding my breath that it’ll be that easy. lol

i feel like every week that i get to post one of these is just a huge blessing right now. praying for good news at the dr’s tomorrow.

11 Aug 2016

forgot all about my belly pic after the startling dr visit yesterday. just praying that this pregnancy continues for another five weeks.

5 Aug 2016

today was supposed to be a regular checkup.  we had an ultrasound two weeks ago and the dr had concerns about the sequel’s weight so she ordered another one for three weeks (next week).  today we saw our regular dr and, after he and the nurse both came up 5cm short on the fundal measurements, he reviewed the ultrasound and felt that we needed to do another one today rather than waiting until next week.  while the dr we saw two weeks ago told us she was concerned about the baby’s weight (3lbs 13oz) being in the 22nd percentile, i honestly wasn’t all that concerned because he only seems to be measuring a half pound less than the turkey was and he was born at a perfectly respectable 7lbs 9oz.  what she failed to tell us was that the abdominal measurement was also way under, which is what caught our dr’s attention today.  hubby naturally asked what his primary concern was and what implications there were.  as the dr left the room after explaining that a determination of growth restriction would mean that we head to the hospital and take the baby now, i completely broke down into a tearful fit of hyperventilation.

the good news is that the “emergency” ultrasound showed that the sequel is gaining weight at the right rate… he’s up to 4lbs 14oz today which is the typical 1/2lb per week.  also, we finally got to see his precious little face.

for the record, that's five ultrasounds that he has now slept right through.

they never really said anything about him dropping but it seems like the 5cm fundal difference could be due to that since the US tech had to scan through my pelvic bone just to see his head… they didn’t have to go nearly that low two weeks ago.

the not so good news is that the abdominal measurement is still in the 2.7 percentile which continues to worry my dr… and by extension, me.  it seems like the accurate weight gain should indicate that we are not in the realm of IUGR but the tiny abdomen could cause problems with crucial organ development.  so, we have another ultrasound next week.  and a non-stress test.  and i will be praying fiercely between now and then that my baby boy is okay and everything goes well.  “i trust you, God.”