2017
3
Dec
22:24

epic fail

   Posted by: arcanai   in heartache

i’m struggling.

hard.

i am going through a black season of motherhood and i feel like an epic failure every day. it seems that all i do is harp on the turkey, telling him don’t do this and don’t do that. and halfway through the day i’m just too exhausted to even care any more. i want to cry all the time. i try. i swear i do. i get up every morning with a prayer in my heart and a resolution to be more patient and understanding and positive. and then i find myself yelling and threatening and spanking.

i’m not the mom i wanted to be. i’m not the mom i thought i would be.

Lord, heavenly Father, please lead and guide me to be the mom that you intended me to be; the mom that these boys need me to be. soften my heart, Lord, and slow my frustration. in Jesus’ name, amen.

2017
3
Dec
22:09

flattery

   Posted by: arcanai   in the turkey

the turkey has taken to flattery as a means to trying to get out of trouble. when i’m upset with him, he puts on his sweetest smile and says things like “i like your hair” and  “you’re so beautiful”. i’m not too proud to admit that the first two or three times, i just reveled in the compliments and didn’t really notice the manipulation. if he had been more prudent in his usage, i may have stayed blissfully ignorant for quite some time. alas, a three year old doesn’t have the sense to look at the big picture and ration out his get-out-of-jail-free cards. i quickly became savvy to his charming wiles. but, oh, it was so nice to hear such lovely words!

2017
31
Oct
15:06

a pain in the gums

   Posted by: arcanai   in the sequel

a couple days ago,  discovered that the sequel’s 7th tooth had snuck in with the 5th and 6th (upper incisors). i was tickling him and his wide open-mouthed laughter allowed me a glimpse of his upper right molar that was already half-way descended. how on earth did i miss that? i remember the turkey being completely and utterly miserable when his first molar broke through. the sequel’s been cranky but not enough for that kind of pain! today, i decided to look around some more and found that the opposing molar (upper left) is pretty close to cutting through too. i’ve joked with him plenty about just popping them all out at once to get it over with but he’s taking it to heart!

his vocabulary is also taking off like crazy. this week, he’s started saying “baby”, “bear”, “corduroy”, and “play”.

2017
28
Oct
21:59

potpourri

   Posted by: arcanai   in the sequel, the turkey

after cancelling last week due to fever and vomiting, the turkey had surgery yesterday to remove his tubes. although we did consider cancelling again because of last minute croupiness. it went well but they did find a lot more infection than they were expecting so that actually made me feel better about going ahead and getting it done. i’m just hopeful that when it all heals up, we’ll be done with the stupid ears forever. i seriously regret letting them do the tubes in the first place last year.

before we left yesterday morning, he made my day by saying “mommy, you’re so beautiful. you’re hair is so beautiful.” seriously, my heart exploded into a gush of weeping joy.

yesterday afternoon, he started calling me “mom”. i very much noticed it but i let it slide because i figured it was a passing fluke. this morning, while i was out running around town trying to find a last minute costume (thanks for the epic fail, amazon prime!), hubby texted me and said that he was calling him “dad”. what the junk?! i thought we had another 3 years or so before “mommy” and “daddy” went out the window. it’s heartbreaking. and, for whatever reason, hubby has been downright angry about it. i am trying my best to ignore it, continuing to use the preferred monikers, and hoping that this is all just a fleeting phase.

on the other side of the coin, the sequel’s 5th and 6th teeth have finally broken through so we’re hoping his attitude straightens up for a little while. he’s very proud of his “hi”s and “bye”s lately. he tries to mimic a lot of words so we’ve heard “hola”,  “baby”, “granddaddy”, “dog”, and other random parroting. he throws epic tantrums… like full-on throw himself on the floor screaming and kicking and the works. where did that come from? but then he also loves to “sing” and dance. and he’s a heck of a harmonica player. he keeps us on our toes constantly and, while it is exhausting, i’m loving it about him.

2017
12
Oct
9:43

togetherness

   Posted by: arcanai   in the sequel, the turkey

we moved the boys into the same room over the weekend so that we could use the other room as a play room. naps are still pretty rough but the nights are actually going much better than i anticipated. and they love spending time in the play room. we have big plans for it to make it a super cool place!

2017
9
Oct
9:54

plugged up

   Posted by: arcanai   in feelin bad

i have a plugged duct. this happened several times with the turkey and i was so pleased to have avoided it with the sequel but then BAM! and it’s so much worse than it ever was with the turkey. over the weekend, it was excruciating. in all honesty, unequivocally worse than childbirth. i nearly passed out every time i nursed. i spent saturday afternoon in bed with a fever and sunday wasn’t much better. the fever finally broke last night and it seems like something must have dislodged because it’s not excruciating anymore but it still hurts. i can see a plug and i’ve been nursing, pumping, and massaging (OUCH!) as much as i can handle but it just doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.

2017
30
Sep
20:25

under where?

   Posted by: arcanai   in the sequel, the turkey

the turkey got up with a burning desire to wear big boy pants today. not only did he wear them without any accidents while playing around the house, but we also spent most of the morning volunteering at the church and he used the potty and had no problems. i was so proud of him!

the sequel is all over the place. he’s running and climbing and loves picking up big and/or heavy things and carrying them around. he’s a hoot. his third tooth (top right) broke through this week with the fourth right behind it so he’s been full of the grumps. which i’m afraid isn’t the whole reason for his insane temper. oh. em. gee. that boy throws a full-on tantrum at the drop of a hat. he will growl-scream, sit down hard, and start kicking and punching he floor. it’s hilarious in a good-gravy-we-are-in-for-it kind of way.

2017
12
Sep
9:43

br3@$t is best!

   Posted by: arcanai   in the sequel

the sequel was born with blocked tear ducts. the right eye healed on its own around four months old but the left eye remained a gooey mess. it would clear up with ointment but then start again as soon as treatment stopped. i massaged the duct five times a day for months and months to no avail. the poor little thing spent half his days with his eye glued shut or weeping yucky goo. last month, a friend suggest i use my milk. um? ewwww! but i looked it up online and found a very large community of mothers touting this natural remedy. i remained skeptical but since we’d already tried everything and the dr was saying that surgical intervention might be necessary if it wasn’t going away on its own by his birthday… well, i was willing to try anything. for two weeks, much to his chagrin, i gave him a few “eye drops” every time i nursed him. i was astounded to see it clear up within just a few days. after the two weeks, i kept expecting it to clog up again but it never did. amazing! so i started using it on everything. why use eczema cream when i can just rub some milk on your skin? the turkey fell and scraped his knee? here, let me help you with that!

seriously, this stuff is a magical wonder healer!!!

2017
21
Aug
20:16

3 years

   Posted by: arcanai   in the turkey

i don’t know how three years have already flown by. it’s been an amazing journey and has taught me so much about God’s love for us. i am so honored that i was chosen to be the turkey’s mom. he’s a very special little boy and i couldn’t be more proud of him.

at three years old, the turkey is fully conversational. he can read about 100 sight words and can sound out even four-syllable phonetic words. his favorite books are his assortment of children’s bibles. he can count to one hundred singly or by tens. he can count to ten in french and german. he can count to twenty in spanish. he knows the alphabet in french and spanish. he’s learning more and more spansish daily, including all of the colors and many animals. he can do simple addition and subtraction. he loves singing and can sing the fifty states. he is a wonderful, loving big brother and is caring and compassionate to everyone. he is joyful and spreads smiles wherever he goes.

this morning, i asked him if he felt older. his response: “a little, mommy. <raising arm> do you see a hair?” i nearly fell on the floor laughing.

2017
9
Jul
10:37

stepping out

   Posted by: arcanai   in the sequel

the sequel celebrated turning ten months old by taking his first steps today! this momma is so not ready to have two kiddos running around here!!!

2017
8
Jul
21:43

mammary melancholy

   Posted by: arcanai   in feelin bad, the sequel

since we’ve tried literally everything under the sun to correct the sequel’s digestive issues, i figured it was time to look at my milk supply. what i’ve found this week has depressed me beyond belief. i started with three days of supplemental pumping. since i feed the sequel every four hours, i just added a pumping between feedings so that i was expressing every two hours. for three days, i went from my usual five feeds to NINE “milkings”. i really felt like that alone would leave me floating in milk. when i didn’t see any results from that (actually, it seemed like i was getting negative results… i went from a yield of 1 oz per pump the first day to less than an oz, as little as .25 oz, by the third day), i begged my baker friend to make lactation cookies for me. she graciously did so and also gave me her supply of flax and brewer’s yeast so that i could make more on my own. for the last couple of days, i’ve been eating about 5 cookies a day and drinking oat/pb/flax/brewer’s yeast smoothies. today, i went back to regular feeding schedule but i replaced all nursing with pumping so that i could really determine what i’m producing. for the main four feedings, from wake to bed, i produced less than 12 oz. from everything i see online, that’s less than 1/2 of what he should be getting in a day! i feel like a complete and utter failure and i don’t know what to do. everything i read says i should be able to rebuild my supply but despite all of the extra stimulation and nutritional supplements, i’m not even producing half of my baby’s needs. which begs the question… was i actually producing even less before all these efforts or are they just not working at all???

2017
8
Jul
21:28

reading

   Posted by: arcanai   in the turkey

hubby has been doing a great job of keeping up with flash cards for the turkey the last few months. today, we saw the payoff. the turkey successfully read a page of “green eggs and ham” with no assistance. he also started sounding out “big words” today. i’m so proud of my little turkey.

2017
10
Jun
21:04

bye-bye

   Posted by: arcanai   in the sequel

while practicing waving tonight, the sequel said “bye-bye” plain as day. and then, of course, he continued to say it for the next hour. i was just remarking yesterday that he had kind of stopped jabbering these last few weeks. he growls and screeches plenty but it’s been a while since he’s done any real “da-da” or anything like that. so to hear him pop up with a real word, in context, today was a happy thing. and, really, i do consider it to be his first word. he’s made sounds before (ma-ma, ga-ga, da-da) but nothing that was really in context of a word.

2017
7
Jun
22:38

gratitude and attitude

   Posted by: arcanai   in the turkey

the turkey made my day at dinner when i gave him his “salad” (spinach/okra puree) and he said “this is so good. thank you, mommy, for making me a salad!”

and then there was the bedtime debacle where he wouldn’t settle down and i ended up taking both lovies away but then hubby made me feel bad so i went in and laid with him (like it wasn’t already tugging my heartstrings to hear him shouting “momma, come snuggle with me!”). i spent an hour snuggling him. he finally fell asleep but as soon as i started to get up, he croaked out a measly “don’t leave me, momma.” i laid down for another two songs, got up, and he must have woken up as soon as i left the room because suddenly he was having a total meltdown. mind, it’s now 21:00 and i’ve been in there and hour so i’m ticked that he’s not sleeping and that he’s crying and pitching a fit when he’s been such a good solo sleep all his life. i tried to sooth him and then i threatened to spank and then i had to deliver. now i’m just fuming at always having to be the bad guy and all i want to do is go back in there and snuggle my baby boy for the rest of the night because i know there’ll come a day when he won’t ask that anymore. i try my best not to be crazy stringent about schedule and rules but i don’t want him to be dependent on us to go to sleep either. when we wake him up in the morning or from nap, we always snuggle and that’s great but the snuggling to sleep thing is a very different thing. *sigh*

2017
25
May
21:57

mom enough II

   Posted by: arcanai   in feelin bad

i’m so glad that we decided to call it quits at two. as much as i would love to be pregnant again and have an itty bitty in my arms again, i just know that i’m not mom enough for three. days like today, i’m pretty sure i’m not mom enough for the two i’ve got. the turkey spent the whole day telling me how much he’d rather be doing things with daddy than with me. like he couldn’t stand the thought of spending time with momma. and i get it. as far as he can see, i’ve all but abandoned him to his daddy’s care over the last 8.5 months. add to that the fact that dad is the fun one who does nothing but play with him… why would he want to spend time with me? all the time that i spend taking care of the family doesn’t matter to him. all he sees is that i’m not playing with him. the fact that i spend entirely too much time in the kitchen cooking nutritious family meals because i love them and want them to eat well even though i hate cooking… who cares, i’m not playing with him. it’s so hard being the responsible one that keeps everything moving when none of that really matters to the ones you’re working so hard for. and that’s just what being a mom is. you have to do it all and get none of the credit and nobody really even cares but you know that it’s your job even though it means you’ll never get to be the fun one. and it sucks some days and i just want to cry when he looks me in the eye and asks me if he can please go play with daddy instead and i just have to suck it up and take it because he doesn’t mean it to be a personal affront to me and i have no right to let him see my insecurity. i love my two little boys. there’s no way i could possibly handle being mom to three.