the turkey had what we thought was going to be his final checkup for his ears today. he had fluid in the ears as an itty bitty so we’ve been having to see the ENT dr for the last eighteen months to monitor his hearing and make sure that he didn’t need tubes or anything. all of his checkups since he was eight months old have been good and his two year checkup was supposed to be when he would officially be cleared from the whole deal.  we went in today with confidence that it was his last trip to this dr (who we really like and we talk to at church all the time but i’d rather not see him professionally anymore).  so it was a devastating blow when his right ear completely failed the tests again and the dr found that his tonsils and adenoids are enlarged and blocking his head up.  *sigh* he gave us a nasal steroid to try for a month but is pretty sure we’ll need to do surgery to remove those pesky body parts.  i am finding this to be very difficult to deal with and i am praying frantically that he is in the 10% that improves without intervention. first, i don’t want to see my poor little guy go through a surgery. but then there’s also the terrible timing.  i’ll have a newborn and i won’t be able to be there with him.  i won’t be able to comfort him as he goes into surgery or when he comes out and if it’s a multi-night ordeal, i won’t be able to stay with him.  i’m already struggling with the fact that i’ll be apart from him for the first time when the sequel decides to arrive.  i’ve never not given him a kiss on the forehead from grampy and eskimo kisses from momma before bed.  i’ve never not tucked him back in and thanked the Lord for him before i go to bed.  i’ve never not been there to sing him awake in the morning.  and now i may have to miss all of that twice in a very short amount of time.  and let’s not even get into the purely logistical nightmare of being a one-car family with hubby and turkey in town at the hospital and me and newborn at home without a vehicle if something happens.   i understand that the whole tonsil/adenoid thing is pretty common – i never had to go through it but i know plenty of kids do – but i could really use all the prayers i can get that my sweet little turkey doesn’t have to go through this.

today was supposed to be a regular checkup.  we had an ultrasound two weeks ago and the dr had concerns about the sequel’s weight so she ordered another one for three weeks (next week).  today we saw our regular dr and, after he and the nurse both came up 5cm short on the fundal measurements, he reviewed the ultrasound and felt that we needed to do another one today rather than waiting until next week.  while the dr we saw two weeks ago told us she was concerned about the baby’s weight (3lbs 13oz) being in the 22nd percentile, i honestly wasn’t all that concerned because he only seems to be measuring a half pound less than the turkey was and he was born at a perfectly respectable 7lbs 9oz.  what she failed to tell us was that the abdominal measurement was also way under, which is what caught our dr’s attention today.  hubby naturally asked what his primary concern was and what implications there were.  as the dr left the room after explaining that a determination of growth restriction would mean that we head to the hospital and take the baby now, i completely broke down into a tearful fit of hyperventilation.

the good news is that the “emergency” ultrasound showed that the sequel is gaining weight at the right rate… he’s up to 4lbs 14oz today which is the typical 1/2lb per week.  also, we finally got to see his precious little face.

for the record, that's five ultrasounds that he has now slept right through.

they never really said anything about him dropping but it seems like the 5cm fundal difference could be due to that since the US tech had to scan through my pelvic bone just to see his head… they didn’t have to go nearly that low two weeks ago.

the not so good news is that the abdominal measurement is still in the 2.7 percentile which continues to worry my dr… and by extension, me.  it seems like the accurate weight gain should indicate that we are not in the realm of IUGR but the tiny abdomen could cause problems with crucial organ development.  so, we have another ultrasound next week.  and a non-stress test.  and i will be praying fiercely between now and then that my baby boy is okay and everything goes well.  “i trust you, God.”

my mother-in-law had a pretty massive stroke 3 years ago.  she used to be an @$$-kicking person and now she’s very childlike and emotional.  not only did the stroke diminish her physical abilities but it really changed the essence of who she is.  lately her personality has changed even more.  she’s not even the same person anymore. this is why I got so upset when I got the call that my dad had had a stroke… my experience with a stroke has been a tragic, long, drawn-out loss of oneself.  it has been so sad seeing this personality change in my MIL over the last 3 years.  this week, we are with my husband’s family for Christmas.  I expected to be very sad being around my MIL after my father’s passing.   I imagined it would just be too hard to see her playing with her grandson knowing that my dad never got that chance again.  it has been hard but for a whole different reason.  seeing how badly and how quickly my MIL has deteriorated in the last few months has truly made me thankful that daddy’s suffering was so brief.  today is two months since the last time i spoke with him.  not a day has gone by that i haven’t thought about him and wished i could talk with him.  i miss him fiercely but i am finally at peace with it.  my heart breaks for my husband having to see his mother like this.  i cannot imagine seeing my dad in such deep suffering and being unable to do anything about it.  i am praying for peace and comfort for my MIL.

oncologist signed off on the experimental treatment so the heart condition isn’t going to be a problem after all (hopefully).  program should start next month.  praying with all my heart.

one of hubby’s first cousins was killed today in a car accident.  her five week old baby was in the car but, praise God, the car seat left him unharmed.  it’s not that we really knew her well but we just saw her two weeks ago at a family reunion (organized because her mom has cancer and isn’t doing well so the family wanted to get together while she can).  she was so proud showing off her new little baby.  it’s just such a shock.  she was three months older than me.  she left behind a mother, father, 8 year old daughter, 5 week old son, ex-husband, newlywed husband, two brothers and a pile of nephews and nieces.

apparently there’s some question now as to whether the existing heart condition is going to be a problem for undergoing the experimental treatment.  this makes me mighty sad.

when someone you love very much calls to tell you that the year of chemo didn’t work and they’ve been given two years.  the news is exactly what i expected, based on my own research online, but i had really hoped that maybe i had just misinterpreted the numbers… it’s not like i’m a doctor, after all.  there may be some other options – experimental treatment or bone marrow transplant – but there is no telling how much more time that might provide or what kind of side effects there may be.  i can’t stand the thought of losing him.  even more, i can’t stand the thought of him suffering.  i am praying with all my heart that however much time he has left is full of quality life.  in the meantime, i’m going to put more effort into banking new memories.

Sunday, I publically declared my acceptance of Jesus Christ as my savior and redeemer by being baptized.  It was an incredible site… a huge crowd of people gathered at the beach to show their love for God and each other.  I was one of 137 who were plunged into the gulf to be brought back up cleansed of our sins.  I was blessed to have all of our local friends there to share the day with me and one of them was even part of my baptism team! I came up from the water completely overwhelmed with emotion and all I wanted was to wrap my arms around my husband and share the love I felt. 

“this is amazing grace! this is unfailing love! that you would take my place, that you would bear my cross. you would lay down your life, that I would be set free… Jesus, I sing for all that you’ve done for me!
– bethel live”

From #forgiven #saved, posted by J’Lynn Holloway on 7/29/2013 (33 items)

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I signed up today to get baptized and I’m super excited.  I grew up in the church but I never saw it lived at home so I rejected organized religion and rebelled against faith in general.  It took me 32 years but I finally understand what it is to believe in something and have it change you.  God has been working His changes in me slowly for the last few years through my oldest nephew.  I don’t even think that I realized it was happening until our trip to Israel.  It was a huge surprise to me.  I only really wanted to go because it was so important to hubby (and because I’m all about seeing new places).  I figured it would be a neat place with pretty churches and lots of history.  It was all of that but what I didn’t expect was to leave there with a yearning in my heart for God and His Son, Jesus Christ, and a desire to learn how to build a personal relationship with Him.  Next month, my sins will be washed away and I’ll be a new me!

the hot flashes/night sweats have been back with a furious vengeance these last couple weeks.  consequently, I’ve gotten almost no sleep and I am completely and utterly exhausted.  I counted it up and, in the last five days, I’ve gotten three hours of sleep.  that’s just not sustainable.  last night, my tossing and turning woke up hubby.  he asked if I was okay and I immediately started bawling.  I mean full-on hyperventilating wracking sobs.  poor hubby was so freaked out by my outburst that he started choking up and praying over me.  I love that man.  sadly, I still didn’t get any sleep last night but his prayers were such a comfort.  i’ll be praying all day for some relief from this sweaty streak of insomnia.

What a week!  my eldest nephew broke his arm again over the weekend and had to have surgery this morning to add a plate and screws his skeletal assemblage.  the operation went well and i pray that his recovery is swift and smooth.

A very dear friend came to me this morning for a shoulder to cry on.  she is going through some very difficult times.  my heart hurts for her as i have been through that darkness myself and know how hard it is.  i love them and pray that they can find the healing they need.

My daddy stopped in for a brief visit last week and i really enjoyed seeing him.  i got the feeling he was keeping something from me and his wife quasi-confirmed that but wouldn’t fill me in.  i pray for my dad’s health. 

I pray for hubby and me.

Lord, please hear these prayers and the prayers of my heart. in your son, Jesus’ name… Amen

i got a call from my sis-n-law a couple weeks ago saying that they had moved to GA and bought a restaurant.  i was a bit sad over the fact that i won’t get to see my sweet little baby girl very much anymore (not that i see her much now but my visits to Orlando are definitely more regular than my visits to GA).  all in all, though, i know that it’s a good move for my brother and his family.  they have the chance to really build something together and that’s a wonderful thing.  my sis-n-law is a terrific cook and has excellent scruples so i have faith that she can make this work.  they had a soft opening this week and are already off to a booming start.  I’ve done what little i can to help by building a website and spreading the word to all of our friends who are near there.  i can’t wait to make a trip up there and check it out for myself!

between this, that, and the other, i have lost my ability to deal with stress.  i totally shut down.  today was one of those days.  thanks to an especially horrid work situation that kept me on the phone until 20:30 friday, and then kept me stressed all weekend worrying about it, and then attacked with a gusto this morning – i spent the entire day on the verge of tears.  happily, forcing myself to go for an evening run has ameliorated me to a nice, comfortable numb.  i’m pretty sure i used to have the ability to cope… didn’t i?

i’ll admit that i was feeling pretty darned good after the midnight run the other night.  i felt like i was really turning a corner. 

today, my world was crushed.  and something that i never ever imagined myself considering crept into my mind.  i’m not going to talk about it but prayers are welcome.