Aka: arcanai and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
this morning, i allowed my poor little boy to nearly get concussed.  he took no naps whatsoever so we were all grouchy all day.  and then i almost cooked his hand tonight.  i cried and cried at the close call.  tomorrow must be a better day.

i was lamenting to my sissy today about the ridiculous lack of sick days in this whole parenting profession.  here i am, feeling like crap with a sinus infection on top of the way i’ve been feeling lately anyhow.  her advice was “mom up!”  and that is the game isn’t it?  i signed up for this.  i knew i was going to have to devote myself entirely to this little person.  i guess i just thought i’d have a little more help.  hubby is a fantastic father but he’s having a surprisingly difficult time adjusting and coping.  99% of the time, that’s fine but on the couple of occasions where i can’t cope… well it’d be nice for him to step up a bit more in the interim.  the one friend that i expected to be my “mommy support” has turned out to be much more of a taker than a giver on that front.  i used to be anti-mommy-group purely on the basis of my anti-social nature.  now, i’ve been trying to reach out to other mommies but can’t seem to find an “in” anywhere.  not even at church.  i can’t exactly join a mops group or anything since all that stuff happens during working hours.  I just feel very lonely in this whole journey and it would be great if I had someone to talk with and tell me that they understand.

I told hubby a couple days ago that I was handing in my resignation.  I clearly don’t know what I’m doing and I’m just at my wits end.  the turkey has been fighting sleep lately.  to the point of not taking either of his naps and even waking up a few times in the night (which hasn’t happened since he was about three months old).  he’s not having behavioral meltdowns but he’s obviously tired and walking around in a zombie stupor half the day.  I have tried everything – running him around to tire him out, keeping him up longer between naps, putting him down sooner at the first sign of tiredness, rocking him, feeding him more, et cetera… I can’t figure out what’s going on.  I even tried just skipping the morning nap (although I don’t think he’s ready to drop it yet since he yawns and rubs his eyes all morning) but he still only slept about thirty minutes in the afternoon.  i know we had some trips out of town that messed with his schedule but I’ve done my best to get him right back into it since we’ve been home the last week and a half.  i have read everything i can find and tried everything i can think of and I’m clearly not doing something right.  I’ve cried and cried and am not coping well at all.

I’m in a funk.  it’s like I’m experiencing postpartum depression a year+ late.  this whole weaning thing and walking on his own and just generally not needing me anymore… it hurts my heart so much.  for twenty-one months, my body protected and nourished him and now he’s just done with it.  I haven’t been sleeping much in this melancholy miasma.  I know that this will pass and there are so many more joys ahead for us but I’m grieving all the same.

it doesn’t help that this weaning thing has been much more painful than expected.  even though I did a slow wean – dropping a feeding every four days – my body is still having trouble adjusting to the cessation of nursing.  I’ve gone through two engorgements and three plugged ducts.  the pain has gotten bad enough to make me resort to wearing cabbage leaves and ice packs in my bra today.  so if I wasn’t already feeling lousy enough about myself, now I feel ridiculous and will probably smell like cole slaw.

tonight was the last time i’ll ever nurse my baby boy.  somehow, I get the feeling that he won’t care as much as I do.  I had hubby take photos and video so that i’ll have something to remember this amazing time by.  I know it’s in the best interest of the turkey but it makes me incredibly sad.  I have LOVED our bonding time.  I totally get why women nurse for years and it’s taken all of the self-restraint I can muster to step back and do what’s best for him.  I am also so grateful that God blessed me with the ability to provide for and bond with my child in that way.  forever memories were made to be cherished for all of my days.

the silver lining?  he cut his first top tooth (left) yesterday.  the opposing teeth experience tonight suggested that this isn’t a bad time to wean!