i’m refusing to have a birthday this year.  i just am not going to do it.  i’ve never really worried over age but, all of a sudden, i’m having terrible anxiety about turning another year older.  or, more to the point, another decade older.  it’s really been getting to me for months.  i was looking back over what i had to say five years ago:

monday – 30january2006 – 17:12
it’s official. i’m old. one-quarter of a century to be exact. i never really considered 25 to be one of the milestone birthdays but i think it kind of is. i feel older now. not decrepit and worn-out old, but no-longer-a-teenager old (yes, i have been trying to hold on to that for the last 5 years). i guess i actually feel like a bonafide adult now. scary. so i suppose it’s time for a look back on my first quarter of a century.

i have:

• survived and {mostly} recovered from two semi-violent victimizations
• graduated from college three years after my high school graduation (even though i took a two-semester hiatus as a result of the above)
• paid my credit cards off monthly for the last 4 years
• had the wedding of my dreams
• married the most wonderful man on earth
• visited all fifty states in the u.s.
• seen a moonbow
• taken a two-person roadtrip that covered 23 states, 8000 miles, 9 state/national parks in 19 days
• walked through glacier melt (ouch!)
• watched a whale fully breach from 20 yards away
• hiked through rainforest and waded through water to see a hawaiian waterfall
• watched the sun rise from the top of a 10,000 foot volcano
• rode a bicycle 38 miles down that volcano
• visited three canadian provinces
• crossed the world’s longest wooden bridge
• visited ten european countries
• avoided speaking english (as much as possible) in 7 of those countries (dutch, polish, and czech are all greek to me)
• paid off a house in two years
• become a completely different person for the third time

anyhow, it’s been a great birthday. my wonderful hubby surprised me with a reservation at the melting pot. it was fabulous! exactly how i remembered it. what a terrifically thoughtful husband to take me someplace even though it’s not his thing. we had a fantastic meal and then visited my furniture and went to kohls. a good evening was had by me (and i even think he enjoyed it a bit). but my birthday really became official when my mom called me at 13:33 to tell me the story of what i was doing 25 years ago (namely, putting her through 36 hours of labor and making her miss three meals in a row). i appreciate that she calls me every year at 13:33 to tell me the story of me. it really makes my birthday every year.

you see that?  i was all accomplishments and wonderment and i couldn’t imagine life ever again being less than fabulous.  so much has happened since then – some good, some bad, some shattering.  and, ironically, that happens to have been the last year that i got that special call.  now, this past year+ has been full of trials and tribulations that have left me jaded and cynical all over again.  this sounds like a pity party… i know that i am blessed and i am thankful…  but my life is not what i thought it was and it is not following the path that i had believed it was.  i’m getting ready to enter a new decade of life and i’m so very uncertain and scared.  i’m having to face the fact that my youth is behind me while redefining my expectations.  it really is a lot to swallow and i’m just not ready for it yet.  maybe next year.