the feelings

   Posted by: arcanai   in heartache, pix

as i mentioned in my previous post, i fully expected the effects of the stroke to be worse the next day but i honestly did think there would be a next day.  it never for a second occurred to me that those last few words we exchanged would be the last.  would i have said anything different?  i don’t know.  i guess i would have told him all those things he already knew but it would have been more for my benefit than his anyhow.  i am so fortunate to be so certain that he knew.

when i got the call from his wife the next morning and she told me that he was intubated and unconscious, i just knew that was the end.  i immediately started flooding with feelings of guilt.  i had selfish reasons for arranging our trip the way i did.  if i had just gone to orlando first, he would have gotten to play with the turkey and see how much he had grown and developed in the eight weeks since he had seen him.  i really, really wish he had gotten to see him again.  he was so excited about it.  in the end, when we were in the ER that night, he asked how he was doing but he was more concerned with talking about me and my sissy and my brother.  his wife said that he spent the greater part of his days looking at pictures and videos of the turkey on the interwebs so i know he was filled with pride and joy from our little baby boy, even from far away.  still, i’ll probably spend the rest of my life wishing that he had gotten that one last chance to hold his grandbaby.  especially when his wife told me that he tried to stop her from calling an ambulance by saying “please don’t; turkey’s coming.”  that just kills me and those words will haunt me forever.

selfish guilt aside, i have so many things to be grateful for.  the fact is that no matter how hard i fought it, God had a perfect plan that put me where i needed to be when it mattered.  i was there with him in his final hours and he KNEW that i was there.  he was surrounded by his loved ones.  if i had been at home when his wife called, there is absolutely no way that i could have gotten down there before the hemorrhaging began.  i would have driven all that way and never seen him conscious again.

while he was in the hospital the week before, my sissy had the opportunity to sit with him and talk about his spiritual beliefs.  she said it was the most honest conversation that she had ever had with him.  she said he asked a lot of questions and expressed a lot of interest but wasn’t prepared to say the abc prayer that night.  she left him with a bible and a booklet.  his wife told us that he read that bible every day after that and when my sissy saw him a few days later, she said that he was calm and didn’t seem afraid anymore.  we can’t know for sure in this life but we feel that we have the evidence to believe that he did accept Jesus as his savior before it was too late.  I look forward to seeing him again one day in the life after.

with all of the health problems he’s had the last few years, nobody expected a stroke to take him out.  between the MDS and the COPD and the increasing problems with his lungs and constant blood transfusions… he was really just a ticking time bomb.  when i first found out i was pregnant, i didn’t think he would ever be around long enough to meet my baby.  the fact that he was able to make the trip up to meet turkey on his first day of life and spend five good days with him… well that’s just a blessing that i never even expected.  i know without a doubt that my baby brought happiness and pride to my daddy and i have pictures and video clips of them together so that the turkey can grow up knowing his grampy loved him.

grampy beaming with pride

finally, i am so grateful that i never have to wonder if i made my daddy proud.  i can say without any doubt or hesitation that he loved me and he was proud of me… both as a daughter and as a mom.  really, how lucky am i to have that certainty?  i know that i brought a lot of happiness to his life and that’s a great feeling.

eskimo kiss

eskimo kiss - 18 june 2013

mostly, i am surprised by the pain. i guess i just assumed that i’ve been expecting it and preparing for it for so long that i would be kind of numb to it when the time came. i never knew that my heart could hurt so very much. i know he was sick of being sick. he was tired of being in and out of the hospital and of having weekly transfusions and of not getting to enjoy his retirement that he worked so hard for. i’m glad that he didn’t suffer any more at the end than he has for the last couple years. i’m glad that he went quickly.  but all of that doesn’t make me miss him any less.

30 Jan 1982

14 Feb 1991

14 Dec 1996

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 28th, 2014 at 23:21 and is filed under heartache, pix. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

One comment


J’Lynn and family,
I am terribly sorry for your loss. You don’t know me but I know your maternal side of the family.

I think you, in the 14 Feb. 1991, resemble your mom and your Aunt Dianne.

I enjoy your blog. I am no longer in contact with the family so I hope you will not block me.

Congrats on your beautiful little boy and I wish you all a long and beautiful life together.


November 1st, 2014 at 19:00

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