it’s official… i am past the “wow, i’m doing this!” and back to “exercising depresses the #($& out of me.”  excellent. 

i walked a lot more than i have been.  i did one full lap of the bridge plus about another quarter back up until i met back up with hubby.  my thought was that i’d meet up with him and then he’d slow down and go back to the parking lot with me so i turned around as he passed, looked up, and he was just about out of sight.  *deep sigh*  a lot of the men were great about offering up words of encouragement to me as they passed by but it just didn’t help.  i walked most of the way back to the parking lot (i have NEVER walked that stretch because it’s exposed and i don’t like to be alone on it any longer than i have to) because it was taking every bit of energy that i had left in me not to burst into tears.  i wanted to cry so badly.  still do.  WTF am i thinking that i’m going to sign up for a half-marathon in october.  there’s no chance. 

so my whole way back i was trying really hard to cheer myself up so that i wouldn’t cry.  i said, self, you’ve been sick all week…you were puking all day tuesday…you’ve had no activity since last friday… it’s inexplicably sunny for the run now… you have no music to keep your energy up (mental note: charge shuffle)…  

and then i wanted to cry even more because it’s all just excuses.  seems like every week i’ve got a list of excuses for why i suck so badly.  it’s really quite exhausting. 

i’m not quitting.  i really like the community that the group offers and, unfortunately, the thursday run is the most popular event.  not to mention that somewhere very deep within me i still hold onto hope that, one day, i’ll actually be able to do two full laps of the bridge.  i’m just praying that next week is a better week though because i don’t know how long i’ll be able to hold up if my attitude remains this way.  really, i just wanted to throw myself into traffic and be done with it tonight.