I really thought it was going to be positive.  Between the acne-like rash, nausea, inability to eat, migraines, extreme emotions… And four day late period.  But I guess it’s not time yet.  I trust you, God.

The turkey has been doing better lately about giving out kisses when prompted. He’ll even give me an Eskimo kiss occasionally when I ask (and man do I wish my dad was here to see that!). Last night, while we were saying bedtime prayer, he kept hitting me in the ear. I didn’t know what he was trying to do. I thought he was  just playing with my ear. I finally figured out that he was trying to turn my head so that he could kiss my cheek. Just because he wanted to.  Cue tears.

I think one of the most emotional experiences of motherhood has to be when people come up to me to tell me how awesome my kid is.   When a stranger is so affected by my child that they have to seek more out and tell me about it…. my heart bursts with pride and it spills out of my eyes every time. I love that this is not an infrequent occurrence. This morning, someone from church sought me out to tell me about an incident last week in the children’s ministry.  Apparently, all the kiddos were doing fine until one boy got dropped off and went straight into a crying fit.  This made another girl start crying and my turkey got very anxious about all the crying so he took his goldfish and started giving them to the other kids to try to calm them down.  The compassion of a fifteen month old can be astounding.

The turkey has become much more affectionate lately. He’s snugglier in general but, more importantly, he’s started giving kisses when asked. Sometimes even when not asked. He’s been really into looking through our old photo albums lately and occasionally he’ll lean over and kiss a picture of me and hubby. Melts my heart like butter! Tonight, we stopped by a friend’s Halloween party and got to play with his little girlfriend. When we left, I told him to give her a kiss goodnight so he leaned over and kissed her forehead. It was so daggum sweet!

Monday night was the first time in his entire life that the turkey had trouble sleeping at night. He’ll fight naps like crazy, sure, but that boy gets his solid eleven hours every night.  But Monday, he was up until well after midnight. We rocked him, soothed him, brought him into our bed (for the first time) to cuddle him… The poor thing.  Last night, he was running a fever so we went ahead and gave him some Motrin and he slept like a… well, like a baby.  This morning, I pinned him down, pried open his mouth, and found a new tooth! Poor little guy cut his first back tooth (lower left mid-back) and we didn’t even notice. Ready to collect my Lousy Mom Of The Year award. :-/

i’ve had terrible insomnia again for the last three weeks.  i’ve tried sleep aids but they really just make it worse when they make me all drowsy and i still can’t sleep.  i think i’ve had two nights of decent sleep (6 or more hours) but the average is probably 2-3.  makes for some really rough days and general malaise.  add to that the massive migraine i’ve been sporting since thursday and the brutal return of hot flashes and night sweats… i’m assuming this means my body/hormones are finally starting to normalize after 21 months of supporting another life.  maybe if i weren’t so bloody tired, with flames all over my skin and explosions behind my right eyeball, i could muster a “yay” for that.

I can’t believe it’s been a year since we last talked.  I talk to you all the time but it’s not the same without hearing your silly responses.  I miss your phone calls.  I miss your love and concern.  I miss all the fun you would have had with the turkey.  I miss you telling me to give him a kiss on the forehead for you at the end of every conversation (but I do give him that forehead kiss every night on your behalf).  I miss your grumbling and your griping and your helplessness with technology.  I miss your quirkiness and bluntness and ridiculousness.  I love you, daddy!

Earlier today, I could have sworn the turkey said “book.” he said it once and then started signing it so I want sure if I just heard it because he was signing it or if he actually said it.  A little while ago, hubby was playing with him while I was inn the other room and shouted that he thought he just said “book.” we can’t get him to say it again but we’re pretty sure that’s his newest word.  And I would consider it his first real meaningful word because “hi” and “bye” are just sounds that he mimics mostly.  I’m so proud of my little bookworm!

one year ago today, i heard words that made me genuinely worried about my dad.  those words set into motion a series of events that resulted in me being there on my dad’s last night.  hindsight is an ugly thing.  there are so many things i wish i had done differently last october but i know that, when it comes down to it, all that really matters is that i was there and he knew that.  i’ve been having a lot of dreams about him lately.  most of them have been peaceful but a couple have been horrible nightmares about losing him all over again.  it’s so hard to wake up from those and realize that it wasn’t just a dream.

the turkey has been trying to speak up more lately.  i love listening to his voice… even if it is usually saying “daddy.”  he likes saying “hi” a lot too and has just started saying “bye” and he’s close to “ball.”  he won’t say mama, the little twerp.  he did start free-standing the last few days.  he used to have to crawl over to a person or object to pull up to stand and walk.  now when he falls down, he can stand right back up.  he’s getting so big and capable!
He’s become much more interested in vehicles lately. He loves car/truck/tractor books and he’s very into playing with his cars and race track. He’ll run his little truck or tractor over the couch and make sounds like he’s running his motor. He’s also getting more into building blocks since his aunt/uncle gave him a block train set. It’s great watching him play and figure these complex things out.

It’s been almost a year since my dad died.  He had been sick for a while so it wasn’t exactly unexpected but I didn’t think it would be such a sudden event.  I guess no matter how much you expect it, you’re never ready for it.  It’s silly because I have no doubt he knew how I felt but, if I had known the end was coming, I would’ve done last October so much differently.

it’s been almost six weeks since my favoritest CIL died.  he had health conditions that made a shortened lifespan expected but this was still a complete shock.  or at least it was to me; i guess that might be due to an estranged relationship.  it was just so quick.  my cousin dragged him to the hospital sunday night, within twenty-four hours he had slipped into a coma, and friday night he was gone.

eleven days ago, my brother’s live-in MIL was diagnosed with cancer out of the blue.  yesterday, she passed.  ten days from healthy, normal living to dead in a hospice center.

that’s my three.  i don’t want anymore death in my life.  i’m done with these awful surprises.

today was the turkey’s first taste of peanut butter.  he had it for lunch and no reactions yet so i think we’re good.  not that i expected any problems.  nobody in either of our families has pb alergies and i ate so much of it while i was pregnant, i’m surprised he’s not made of it.  he LOVED it.  he was actually using his bread to mop up the plate (where pb had inevitably gotten stuck when a piece of toast got flipped wrong).  just wait until he discovers the ecstasy of peanut butter/chocolate confections!