Aka: arcanai and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
this morning, i allowed my poor little boy to nearly get concussed.  he took no naps whatsoever so we were all grouchy all day.  and then i almost cooked his hand tonight.  i cried and cried at the close call.  tomorrow must be a better day.

i was lamenting to my sissy today about the ridiculous lack of sick days in this whole parenting profession.  here i am, feeling like crap with a sinus infection on top of the way i’ve been feeling lately anyhow.  her advice was “mom up!”  and that is the game isn’t it?  i signed up for this.  i knew i was going to have to devote myself entirely to this little person.  i guess i just thought i’d have a little more help.  hubby is a fantastic father but he’s having a surprisingly difficult time adjusting and coping.  99% of the time, that’s fine but on the couple of occasions where i can’t cope… well it’d be nice for him to step up a bit more in the interim.  the one friend that i expected to be my “mommy support” has turned out to be much more of a taker than a giver on that front.  i used to be anti-mommy-group purely on the basis of my anti-social nature.  now, i’ve been trying to reach out to other mommies but can’t seem to find an “in” anywhere.  not even at church.  i can’t exactly join a mops group or anything since all that stuff happens during working hours.  I just feel very lonely in this whole journey and it would be great if I had someone to talk with and tell me that they understand.

I told hubby a couple days ago that I was handing in my resignation.  I clearly don’t know what I’m doing and I’m just at my wits end.  the turkey has been fighting sleep lately.  to the point of not taking either of his naps and even waking up a few times in the night (which hasn’t happened since he was about three months old).  he’s not having behavioral meltdowns but he’s obviously tired and walking around in a zombie stupor half the day.  I have tried everything – running him around to tire him out, keeping him up longer between naps, putting him down sooner at the first sign of tiredness, rocking him, feeding him more, et cetera… I can’t figure out what’s going on.  I even tried just skipping the morning nap (although I don’t think he’s ready to drop it yet since he yawns and rubs his eyes all morning) but he still only slept about thirty minutes in the afternoon.  i know we had some trips out of town that messed with his schedule but I’ve done my best to get him right back into it since we’ve been home the last week and a half.  i have read everything i can find and tried everything i can think of and I’m clearly not doing something right.  I’ve cried and cried and am not coping well at all.

I’m in a funk.  it’s like I’m experiencing postpartum depression a year+ late.  this whole weaning thing and walking on his own and just generally not needing me anymore… it hurts my heart so much.  for twenty-one months, my body protected and nourished him and now he’s just done with it.  I haven’t been sleeping much in this melancholy miasma.  I know that this will pass and there are so many more joys ahead for us but I’m grieving all the same.

it doesn’t help that this weaning thing has been much more painful than expected.  even though I did a slow wean – dropping a feeding every four days – my body is still having trouble adjusting to the cessation of nursing.  I’ve gone through two engorgements and three plugged ducts.  the pain has gotten bad enough to make me resort to wearing cabbage leaves and ice packs in my bra today.  so if I wasn’t already feeling lousy enough about myself, now I feel ridiculous and will probably smell like cole slaw.

tonight was the last time i’ll ever nurse my baby boy.  somehow, I get the feeling that he won’t care as much as I do.  I had hubby take photos and video so that i’ll have something to remember this amazing time by.  I know it’s in the best interest of the turkey but it makes me incredibly sad.  I have LOVED our bonding time.  I totally get why women nurse for years and it’s taken all of the self-restraint I can muster to step back and do what’s best for him.  I am also so grateful that God blessed me with the ability to provide for and bond with my child in that way.  forever memories were made to be cherished for all of my days.

the silver lining?  he cut his first top tooth (left) yesterday.  the opposing teeth experience tonight suggested that this isn’t a bad time to wean!

Good gravy! It was a lot easier with playdoh.  I totally messed up the proportions but I think the details are decent and the overall look isn’t bad.  I can’t believe I’ve only got three more days of having a baby.

my dad and i were nose-kissers.  ever since i can remember, he would give me eskimo kisses; it was our thing.  on my wedding day, he gave me away with an eskimo kiss.  on his final day, i said goodbye with an eskimo kiss.  every night of the turkey’s life, i’ve put him to bed with a kiss on the forehead from grampy and an eskimo kiss from momma.  today, i gave him a nose kiss while we were out and about and he leaned into me and rubbed his nose around.  it was the first reciprocated eskimo kiss of the next generation!

we’re trying out playpen time for the first time this afternoon.  at first, he seemed to enjoy the novelty of it but then he seemed upset about being abandoned.  i think when he gets used to it, he’s going to love it being part of his routine.   when he wakes from his nap early, he loves playing in his crib on his own so he’ll figure out soon enough that this is just an extension of that.

The turkey attempted his first steps today. He was standing at a box a few feet from the couch, turned around, and took two lunging steps for the couch.  i don’t know if that really counts as his first steps but it’s the first time he has had the confidence to let loose and try to go on his own so i’m counting it.

i am always overwhelmingly proud of my little boy when we’re out and about.  he is so pleasant and well-behaved and we are constantly surrounded by strangers who want to talk/flirt with him.  it makes me feel like we must be doing something right.  i thank God over and over and over for such bountiful blessings.  i am unworthy to be this boy’s mother but he looks at me with his bright blue eyes and lets me know that he wouldn’t have it any other way.

this afternoon, he got tired and cranky shortly before dinner time.  we had already decided to go out for dinner and as i was getting the boy dressed, he had his first full-blown tantrum meltdown.  i’m talking laying on his belly on his bedroom floor crying and flailing his legs and arms tantrum.  we ignored him while we continued to get ready to go out and i picked him up and calmed him just before leaving, not sure that going out was a good idea anymore.  we went to a restaurant we haven’t been to in a while and ended up waiting twenty minutes for a table.   and then it took forty-five minutes to get our food.  of course, this also put him past his bed time so he should have been a complete monster.  nope.  he played, sucked on ice, ate cheerios, and flirted with everyone seated around us.  not once did he grump.  he had no less than three tables full of strangers smiling and talking with him.  when we left, he made friends with people sitting outside waiting for tables.  seriously, his joy is infectious and people are just drawn to him.  it brings tears of pride and gratitude to my eyes every time.

It’s inborn for us to need to make our parents proud.  There are times when the turkey will do something and immediately look to us with an expression of “did I do good? did I make you proud?” we give him praise and he just lights up.  It makes my heart swell.   I hope he always knows just how proud he makes me.

It’s been a long day, it’s late, and I’m beyond exhausted.  I’ve stayed up late enough to “dream feed” my baby boy.  I carefully scoop him up out of his crib and put him to my breast while I take my seat in the rocker.  He slowly suckles in sleepy comfort with his hand spread out on my chest before I feel the familiar tingle and hear him swallowing in big gulps.  Immediately, all my thoughts of bed are replaced with gratitude.  Thank you, Lord, for this precious gift; for all of the blessings in my life.  I am so humbled to have so much when I am so undeserving.

The turkey has officially applied for his first passport.  In just a few weeks, he’ll be able to go anywhere on the globe.  Time to start planning a trip!