Happy birthday, daddy.  I love you!

halfway through the 52 weeks of belly pose… good golly, where is the time going?!

19 Feb 2015

I just noticed that the call history on my phone is already wiping out October’s entries.  In a few short days, I will officially never see a call from my daddy again. 

The last calls I see with him were the 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th, 14th, 15th, 17th, and the 19th was our last phone conversation ever.  We talked almost every day that last few weeks.  I miss our talks so much.  It was so hard having a birthday without being assaulted by his awful singing first thing in the morning. 

the turkey has taken to biting during nursing the past few days.  the first couple times, it seemed more like he was just confused about what he was doing but it’s become an obviously purposeful behavior now.  he’s testing boundaries in a painful way.  tonight he clamped down and jerked his head to the side before i could react.  owie!!!  so, tonight marks the start of the discipline training.  hopefully a light smack to the hand, paired with a stern “no!” will break this behavior before there are teeth to contend with.

I’ve struggled with the inner turmoil for years of what should I do and how I wish things were different.  The last couple years, becoming a follower of Jesus and a mother and losing my daddy, have made me fret over “the right thing” a lot more and renew my efforts at reconciliation.  I thought my first efforts were bearing fruit but Was proven wrong last Easter.  I have picked myself up and tried a couple more times since then.  I’m officially done.  I’m used to getting the pleasant looking greeting cards filled with nasty notes but she took it to a whole new level this time.  She somehow managed to take all of my heartfelt olive branches and twist and warp them into ugliness that I didn’t even think was possible.  I can’t fathom the sickness of mind that it takes to do that.  I used to lament our relationship and the loss of that special call every year on my birthday but now I just wish to never receive anything from her again.  I feel like I have done what I was called to do but now it’s time to let it all go and focus on the good things in my life.  I cannot continue to expose myself to that toxicity and I will not expose my child to it.  I pray that she finds help one day but I have finally come to realize that i can’t be that help. 

I have been much more at peace about my dad’s passing since Christmas at my mother-in-law’s. I’ve hardly even cried for him since then. Today, however, he has been heavy on my heart and I found myself tearing up several times. I just noticed the date and realized that it’s been 3 months since I spoke to my daddy. I love him and miss him like crazy.

The turkey has finally made it past the 13lb mark!  he was 13lb 2oz before eating this morning and 13lb 9oz at the Dr after breakfast. I guess going back to a 3.5 hour schedule, combined with growing out of the reflux and shoveling in the avocados, green beans, and eggs has been doing the trick. He’s supposed to double his birth weight by 5 months. I don’t see him gaining another 2.5lbs in the next nine days (which would probably be a very unhealthy jump anyhow) but that’s okay because at least he’s finally headed the right direction. After months of not gaining weight, I’m so happy to see some chunk on his bones again!