does anyone remember teenage years filled with angst and drama?  times when you just knew that your life was crumbling around you but all the adults around you would say that it was nothing and you were just a teenager and it was all just silly, childhood insecurity?  and then, as much as you swore they were wrong, deep down it felt a little better to be reminded that things would be better when you grew up?  but what they never actually told you is that the angst and insecurity and drama doesn’t go away as you grow up?  it’s still there…  the stakes are just a lot higher?  the repercussions and consequences go deeper?   and you just keep wishing that you would grow out of it already?

yeh, me neither…

i guess i learned that lesson and so i’ve been silent.  well, that’s not entirely accurate.  thanks to fabulous friends, there is always some fun lurking around the corner so i should have nice things to rant but, at the end of the day, i always end up back in my head and i just can’t rant from there.  i’ve been living in a dark place for close to a year now.  i pray daily but can’t seem to find the right steps out.  i feel despondent… and occasionally apathetic, which is really frightening.  mostly, i feel angry with myself because i truly thought that i had it all figured out and was prepared.  i feel like a fool.  like a failure.  i pray for the strength to keep hope alive.

i’ll admit that i was feeling pretty darned good after the midnight run the other night.  i felt like i was really turning a corner. 

today, my world was crushed.  and something that i never ever imagined myself considering crept into my mind.  i’m not going to talk about it but prayers are welcome. 

we went to wedowee this weekend for FIL’s birthday and a family reunion.  it was a very nice weekend with the in-laws and everything seemed to be pretty good around there.

before we left yesterday afternoon, i happened to be in the house alone with MIL.  we had a very troubling conversation that left me worried and sad.  i listened to her and tried to offer my support but before long i was teary eyed telling her that she was the only mother that i have in my life at this time and that i love her very much. 

the conversation ended abruptly when the men-folk came back in and quickly changed to talk about “final arrangements” for both MIL and FIL, should anything happen (they’ve both had health problems lately so i guess it’s been on their minds).  we left soon after for the long drive home.

two and a half hours after we left, i got a call from my MIL.  she was crying and told me that she had been thinking about our conversation and that she felt that perhaps she needed to talk to someone.  i told her that i loved her, that i would pray for her, and that i would help any way i could, even if it was just listening. 

it felt relieved to know that i might have reached her and helped her some.  i hope and pray that she finds her way to a better place.

the good thing about being all wrapped up in my husband’s pain these last few weeks is that i didn’t have time to dwell on the third anniversary.  really, i only thought about it last night – five days after the fact.  progress, eh?  wow, three years…

i love you.

i miss you.

i pray for you.

i got a call last night that was very disturbing to me.  it was about her.  it was second-hand.  me being me, i immediately went to worst case.  i assumed that she was in the hospital and things were bad.  why else would the call be presented like it was?  i quickly started preparing myself for a trip up there…  how would i handle the reunion?  would she even care?  thankfully, she is fine.  no injury, no sickness, no hospital.  it was about her finances. 

it’s been almost three years since she talked to me.  it’s been about two and a half years since she actually told me that she didn’t want to speak to or see me again.  and this person who knows nothing about me or my life thinks money should mend things?  talk about some effed up priorities…  and frankly, i’ll bet she’d be highly ticked off to know that i was told.

her situation sucks.  i’m sorry that she’s going through it because i love her.  but life is the choices we make.  ironically, the reason she kicked me out of her life is because i was attempting to give her helpful advice about this very matter.  please keep her in your prayers that this situation resolves itself favorably.

i’ve thought of her much more in recent weeks. maternal-unit’s day, her birthday, and today, of course. overall though, it’s been much easier since she moved. at least i know that she’s not alone and she’s having some good times. do i miss her? like crazy. do i love her? always will. but i guess this is just the way things have to be right now. i wish that she would make a genuine effort. nasty, guilt-ridden cards do not in my book constitute a true desire to begin making repairs. and pretending that two years has not happened — i just can’t do that. anyhow, happy anniversary!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! to the one who denies me. we had a wonderfully relaxing long weekend at home. i cannot even tell you how nice it is to be back. sadly, it was also a very deadly weekend in our backyard. randal was out running last night when he ran up on the police pulling in the first guy mentioned. luckily, they already had him covered so my hubby did not have to see the body but he said it was a ghastly scene, just a ten minute walk down the beach. the second mentioned guy, found sunday, was an army paratrooper who went in to rescue another swimmer. that seems so tragic to me. here’s a military kid in presumably great shape who did manage to save another man’s life but lost his own in the process. i have not found anything that details how he managed to get the other guy to safety and still get himself pulled out to sea. we were out walking saturday night while the helicopters and boats were doing a grid search for them. very sad. one more reason i don’t like to swim in the gulf/ocean. there’s dead people out there. and we all know what happens to our bodies after death. yep, that’s all out in that water. ick! i’ll stick with my pool and hot tub, thankyouverymuch. anyhow, on the less gruesome side of things, we had a great weekend and got rested up. fortunately/unfortunately we did not get any painting done. we decided to wait for the bedding to come in so that we could really decide on color. since i was watching the tracking, i’m almost certain the bedding was there sunday since it was “in transit to store” from a town less than three hours away but i called the store sunday and yesterday and they insisted that the order number was not checked in. my guess is that it was there but they didn’t bother to scan the shipment until this morning. so we’ll be going to pick the bedding up this afternoon and buy paint. there will very likely be paint on the walls tonight but you can never tell these things for sure. although i would like for the walls to be dry when the furniture gets delivered and set up thursday. call me kooky like that. really, there was no excuse for me not masking and painting the bathroom over the weekend. it’s emptied out and the paint is sitting there. i guess i just didn’t want to ruin the quality time with my hubby who i have missed oh so much this past month.

the only thing more aggravating than having to work is not being able to. yesterday was one of those days. on the bright side, i wasn’t on the phones (have i mentioned how much i abhor the phones?!) because my phone software was playing dead all day. unfortunately, instead of enjoying the respite from the phones, i was stressed and frustrated all day trying to troubleshoot my computer and software. after working almost all night on it, i finally uninstalled and reinstalled just about every program i use for work and finally got my phones working again. whoo. hoo. clearly, no fun visiting last night. sunday was nice though. i went to church with my sissy’s family to see the kids do their special mom’s day celebration. i spent the afternoon with jenny and did end up ordering my dress. i was then invited to my cousin’s for dinner and spent the night having quality time with her. a good, busy day to distract me from thoughts of extreme sadness. and tonight i’m getting together with jenny and some of her friends for a free dinner. yummy!

even if you don’t want to be a mother anymore.