Now that I’m a mother, I spend all day every day worrying and feeling inadequate.  It’s exhausting but those little smiles and laughs make it all worthwhile.  The turkey has given us plenty of concerns here lately.   the rest of the rant… »

i just cannot believe that it’s been a quarter of a year already.  he has brought so much joy to our lives but it all just seems to be going so fast.  the pregnancy was over in the blink of an eye and he’s growing quicker than i can process.

our scale is wildly inaccurate so we’re not really sure what he weighs.  sometimes we get as low as 12lbs and sometimes we get over 13lbs.  it’s a crap shoot and i’m not really happy about it.

i don’t watch news.  i don’t keep up with weather, outside of a quick peek out on the balcony, unless i’m checking the forecast for packing.  but it was a common occurrence for my dad to call asking if we were okay and then explain all the terrible weather that he was seeing on the news around us.  it was actually kind of funny because a lot of time he would be worried about tornadoes or something and it would be bright and sunny here.  today, i found out that i don’t have to miss those calls.  my dad’s wife is up north visiting her family and called me this morning to ask if we were okay.  she said she saw some bad weather around us and was worried (it was just overcast in my backyard).  my heart swelled.  i miss my daddy so much but he would be so proud to know that we’re still looking out for each other.

i miss my daddy so much.  i can’t say how many times i’ve thought about calling him.  or wondered why he hasn’t called me.  this was the last call we shared:

had i just known...

it’s been over three weeks. looking back through my call history, we never went over three days between calls.  i was just starting to sort through medical bills to get all that straightened out (which, naturally made me think of him anyhow since one of his favorite pastimes was griping about his medical bills) and i came across the birthday card that he gave the turkey on the day he was born.  queue deluge of tears.  *sigh*  it hurts so much to think of how much he wanted to be a part of the turkey’s life.  i’m eternally grateful that he got to meet his grandson but the selfish part of me can’t help but feel sorrow for all of the years he’ll miss out on.

6 Nov 2014

after a truly awful monday with a super sleep-deprived and stressed momma-on-the edge, the turkey decided to take mercy on me and started sleeping through the nights again.  he’s even gone above and beyond by starting to pull 10 hour nights!  he’s been a bit on the cranky side at home this week – i still think he’s got some premature teething going on – but he’s been such an little trooper when we go out.  this week was our annual owner’s meeting and party and he did awesome at both events.  he gave smiles and was pleasant for everyone who held him.  no fussing at all.  today was his second week at church and he just slept right through it both times.  i’m such a proud momma!

in other news, i survived my first full week of being a working mommy.  it’s definitely going to continue to be a challenge but it’s manageable for right now.

after ten not-so-relaxing weeks, i started back to work today.  the turkey must have heard the plan so mr sleeps-8-hour-nights decided to be awake every 30 minutes all last night.  i think it was the worse night yet (aside from the post-shots campouts).  other than being insanely tired and not being able to take a nap, i think the day worked out okay.  i’m still not sure how well all this will work as his wake time increases but we’re just doing a day at a time right now.  i guess between the sleep-deprivation and the familiarity of the work routine, i got off a call today and caught myself saying that it’s been a few days since my dad called.  i don’t think he’s gone more than three days between calls this whole year and he had a habit of calling in the middle of the day while i was in the middle of something at work or on a work call.  odd that that sent me into a crying fit but not the email from his wife a little later saying that she had picked up his ashes.

my dad was not a perfect man.  in the past, he had a drinking problem and wasn’t a very nice man.  i do have some fond childhood memories of being “daddy’s little girl” but those were really the exception.  even in his later years, he had many character flaws and could seriously drive me nuts with computer calls.  the one thing that cannot be denied, however, was his devotion to family in the last decade and a half or so.

• he never missed a single season of going to at least one of each of his grandkids’ sporting events.  it didn’t matter that he lived 45 minutes away, he was there to show his support.
• he showed up for every holiday event that he was invited to and was just happy to be a part of it.
• he went all the way to north ga while battling illnesses to check out his DIL’s new restaurant, even though his relationship with his son was less than ideal.
• he filled his house with pictures of his son and his family just to feel close to them.
• he drove six hours to watch his SIL complete an all-day race, despite severe health issues.
• he was there to see his first grandson graduate even though it meant climbing steps when he needed a walker just to walk.
• he left in the middle of a blood transfusion to be here to meet his newest grandson on the day he was born.
• he never stopped defending his ex-wife, constantly telling people what a great mother she was and encouraging reconciliation for things he didn’t understand.

my daddy was a man who transformed himself, with the help of others, from a mean alcoholic to a loving father and friend.  i was really proud of him for overcoming his past, even though he still had his moments.  he had regrets and tried his best to make amends for them.  i am so thankful for the relationship that we built in my adult years and will cherish the memories we created during that time for the rest of my life.

as i mentioned in my previous post, i fully expected the effects of the stroke to be worse the next day but i honestly did think there would be a next day.  it never for a second occurred to me that those last few words we exchanged would be the last.  would i have said anything different?  i don’t know.  i guess i would have told him all those things he already knew but it would have been more for my benefit than his anyhow.  i am so fortunate to be so certain that he knew. the rest of the rant… »

last sunday, we left alabama and started the long drive down to orlando.  shortly after crossing the florida line, i called my dad to let him know how the drive was going and what our plans were.  he again invited us to stay with them but i told him that they didn’t need a crying baby in the house, especially since he had only gotten home from the hospital on thursday and they needed their rest.  my plan was to stay at my sissy’s and we would leave right after the turkey’s first feeding of the day to spend all day tomorrow with him.  when i called, he was actually out back working in the yard and he was proud of himself for it because it had been weeks since he felt good enough to get outside at all.  we had a great conversation… he was feeling good, sounding like himself, and super excited to see the turkey again.

according to my phone history, i called him at 16:39 on sunday, 19 october 2014 and we talked for 16 mins and 2 secs.

two hours and ten minutes later, my world crashed. the rest of the rant… »

or over at least.  yep, the turkey rolled himself from his belly to his back for the first time today.  i missed the actual roll while going to get the camera but he was kind enough to do it again for daddy when he got home from his bike ride.  we tried to get a video clip but the little stinker refused to perform for the camera (what else is new?).  of course, after the camera was put up, there he went again.  i’m so proud of my little pook, even if i am opposed to him growing so quickly.

in other news, he seems to be displaying a lot of teething signs.  he’s been super drooly, chewing on his fist and bib and anything else that gets near his mouth, fussy during all of his nap times, and acts like he’s in pain when we give him the binky or if i run my finger over his gums.  i don’t feel any teeth erupting and it seems like he’s way too young for it but i don’t know what else would be causing all that.