two different style tests, bought at different times = double confirmation!!!

holy cow! what do we do now?????

we’re going to be a MOMMY and DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i’m afraid i’m getting my hopes up over nothing but I feel like there have been definite signs of pregnancy this month. I have a hard time believing it since “trying” was very difficult last month with fertile time falling over Christmas.  however, tmi below the fold… Read the rest of this entry »

scheduling a dr appointment while you’re out of the country and have no internet or phone access is quite difficult.  my instructions from my last appointment were to email the nurse to let her know when my “day 1” began so that she could schedule my hsg procedure to determine if my tubes are blocked.  turns out an all-inclusive, luxury resort is not inclusive of internet.  I managed to get online Monday and emailed her and asked for the procedure to be set up for Thursday when we get back to town but I was not able to get back on for a reply.  Wednesday, when we got to the airport in Jamaica and I had internet access and found emails to the basic effect that the procedure hadn’t been set up yet,  I frantically emailed with her until our flight left to try to get everything scheduled for the next day.  when we got to the Atlanta airport at 20:00, I was relieved to find a nurse still available at the surgery center so that I could confirm everything and go over my pre-op interview.  I was not happy to find out that I was going to be put under… I didn’t think it was going to be that big of a procedure but since this was all very last minute and I was lucky to get it all set up without having to wait another month, I didn’t make an issue of it.  yesterday, hubby took me in for the procedure.  they gave me an anesthetic that only knocked me out for about twenty minutes.  apparently the hsg took less than ten.  the dr explained that they didn’t find any tubal blockage but he did find cervical stenosis… a bunch of scar tissue most likely from that stupid, horrible leep all those years ago which had effectively closed all but a pin-hole in my cervix.  that could definitely keep me from getting pregnant since hubby’s swimmers don’t have much access.  the dr was able to dilate the cervix again and we’ll cross our fingers for a thanksgiving baby.  c’mon turkey!

it’s finally time to find out if there’s a problem.  I went to the dr today to talk about starting to test for infertility.  I stopped and grabbed a copy of hubby’s results so the dr could see that there are no problems on his end.  indeed, he seemed to be highly impressed with the 110 million sperm count and declared him highly virile.  gee, thanks.  so we scheduled several appointments in the upcoming weeks.  first, i’ll go back next week to have an ultrasound done during ovulation.  I guess that will check the viability of my egg?  the following week, they’ll do bloodwork for a 21-day progesterone reading to see if I have enough progesterone to support implantation.  i’ll then have to email them on the first day of my next cycle (which will be while i’m in Jamaica) to schedule an hsg test to check for tube blockages.  I am praying hard about all of this.  I am hopeful that I can have a baby but if there is a problem with my fertility, I just want to know for sure.  it’s the not knowing whether there’s cause for hope that kills me.

hubby had his appointment today to make sure that there weren’t any fertility problems on his end.  dr said he’s working perfectly.  i was really hoping… not for a problem… but maybe that all the extreme exercise of ironman training was causing a slowdown or something.  nope, it’s all back on me.  *sigh*

meantime, my dr said that they won’t pursue any infertility tests on me until i could show six months of tracking ovulation and trying.  I’ve been tracking this on an app on my phone and had finally gotten to the sixth month but when the phone died yesterday, it wiped out my app too.  fortunately, i had done a backup of that data a month and a half ago so it’s not a complete loss but now i’ll need to track another month and a half in order to have the “proof” that the dr wants.  do you have any idea how long a month and a half is in “trying” time????

This is my fertile week.  it’s pretty difficult to make a baby when your lady bits are burning and your kidney is throbbing and screaming in pain.  a whole wasted month…  it’s just enough to make me cry myself to sleep tonight.

on the bright side, i can definitely enjoy all of the libations new orleans has to offer.  i knew there was no chance but i guess it’s better to be certain.

I’m sure it’s all psychosomatic but I’ve been imagining symptoms that I want to point to pregnancy despite evidence to the contrary.  TMI below the fold…

Read the rest of this entry »

just after my last post – riddled with impatience and self-pity – we had a visit from some good friends who made me feel a little sheepish.  they went through three years of fertility treatments and shots before getting pregnant.  I don’t know how long they tried before seeking help so I would guess they put at least four years into “trying”.  I can’t fathom it.  they finally had their little miracle baby a little over two years ago.  we went to visit them back in the fall and panda said that they had been trying again.  last week, they announced that they were finally expecting their second… after another year, give or take, of trying.  God bless them.  I was so excited for her and it made me feel bad for giving up hope after three months.  I think i’m just going to go back to living my life as normally as possible, see what happens, and try not to focus on “trying”.  of course, then i have another friend who asked me this weekend if we were ever going to have a baby and I told her it wasn’t off the table.  she asked how old I was and proceeded to inform me that “high risk” has been changed from 40 to 36 so I’d better get a move on.  *sigh*  I still have not heard back from that dr that I contacted last week so I might still follow up with them just to find out about my broken thermostat.

I know, I know… it’s only been three months.  I said to begin with that it wasn’t going to be quick and easy.  Sadly, I still can’t help myself from feeling the crushing disappointment.  Even worse, I feel like I’m already starting to give up.  How do people do this for years???  I did everything I was supposed to last month – I kept myself completely unstressed, I ate all of the recommended things, took my exercise down to a more moderate level.  This week, I’ve taken up wine again… after three months without.  I don’t want to give up but I’m afraid to hope any more.  I went ahead and contacted a dr who is supposed to specialize in not only ob/gyn but also endocrinology.  I know it’s too early for me to really be seeking fertility help but the hot flashes and night sweats just keep getting worse and, if that’s a sign that it’s not going to happen, I’d really just rather know now.  And if I’m just being crazy over nothing and he can find the cause of the cursed broken thermostat and fix it… well I would just cry in gratitude.

I finally broke down and confided in a friend about trying to get pregnant.  I mostly did it because we spend a lot of time with them and she had started to notice that I was acting differently but also because I know that she went through two years of trying, unsuccessfully, and I know she will be a source of support without judgment.  her and her husband went through two years of fertility treatments before deciding that they were done.  hubby and I had decided that we were going to try for six months before resorting to a fertility dr.  this is our third month and I think I might be ready to talk to someone.  the dr that my friend says is the best in fl is listed as an ob/gyn and endocrinologist.  i’m not really worried about fertility right now but I really think I need an endo and it just makes sense to see someone who is “fluent in both languages”.  these hot flashes are just killing me and it can’t be helping things any.  I started trying to track my basal temperature but even that is hard to do since you’re supposed to take your temperature at the same time every day and it’s supposed to be straight out of a three hour sleep.  my insomnia doesn’t allow for three hours of sleep these days so I’ve just been sticking to the same time.  I’ve been asleep at that time once.  so, this month I’ve been making a conscientious effort to keep stress-free, keep my exercise level moderate, and eat and drink the things that I should.  if i’m not knocked up at the end of the month, I think i’m going to make an appointment to see this guy and see if he can tell what’s going on with my hormones.  heck, for all I know, whatever is causing these hot flashes could be preventing me from being fertile.

this is why i wish we had started working on a family a few years ago.  back then, i wouldn’t have felt rushed and, instead of “trying”, we could have kept more of a let’s-see-what-happens attitude.  now, i’m 32 years old and he’s 46 and i feel like we’re just running out of time for this to happen.  not only biologically but also in terms of energy for child-rearing.  my parents were almost 36 when they had me and i remember thinking they were so old growing up (which wasn’t helped by people always asking me why my grandparents were raising me).  i don’t want my kid to be embarrassed by our age and i don’t want to be too worn out to play with them.  i keep telling myself not to get my hopes up because i’m still dubious about the chances of me being able to conceive anyhow but it’s hard to keep hope away.  i know there are people who keep trying for years… i find myself wondering if i have it in me to face crushing disappointment month after month, year after year.  how many of these monthly devastations will i be able to bear?

So this is the month that we start “trying”.  I wish I could say I know what that means but I don’t.  Since I stopped taking the pill, my cycle had been staying on track until this last month, of course.  It was six days late and only lasted a half day so I have no clue when to start tracking my “fertile” period.  Originally, it should have been this Thursday but now I guess it’ll be early next week.  I guess we’ll just have to “try” all we can over the next week.  Unfortunately, hubby’s ironman training leaves very little time/energy for him to “try”.  And I still can’t shake the feeling that this is not even possible for me.  I hate to get my hopes up too much as we discuss my hypothetical pregnancy during various events over the remainder of this year.  Praying for better than I deserve…