my mother-in-law had a pretty massive stroke 3 years ago.  she used to be an @$$-kicking person and now she’s very childlike and emotional.  not only did the stroke diminish her physical abilities but it really changed the essence of who she is.  lately her personality has changed even more.  she’s not even the same person anymore. this is why I got so upset when I got the call that my dad had had a stroke… my experience with a stroke has been a tragic, long, drawn-out loss of oneself.  it has been so sad seeing this personality change in my MIL over the last 3 years.  this week, we are with my husband’s family for Christmas.  I expected to be very sad being around my MIL after my father’s passing.   I imagined it would just be too hard to see her playing with her grandson knowing that my dad never got that chance again.  it has been hard but for a whole different reason.  seeing how badly and how quickly my MIL has deteriorated in the last few months has truly made me thankful that daddy’s suffering was so brief.  today is two months since the last time i spoke with him.  not a day has gone by that i haven’t thought about him and wished i could talk with him.  i miss him fiercely but i am finally at peace with it.  my heart breaks for my husband having to see his mother like this.  i cannot imagine seeing my dad in such deep suffering and being unable to do anything about it.  i am praying for peace and comfort for my MIL.

I’ve been missing my daddy with a throbbing, achy heartache in the last couple days again.  He would have been so excited about the Turkey’s first Christmas.  This morning, I figured out the one thing that’s really been bothering me… I wish I knew that he was at peace/content with his life.  I know that he lived with regrets.  I hope that he wasn’t carrying those regrets at the end.  I hope that he felt like he had done all he could to make things right and that he was satisfied with his life.  The problem is, I’ve been racking my brain and I can’t think of a time he ever said that his life was a good one and he was okay with things. I know he was angry and scared and not ready to go the week before he died. My sister said he was more peaceful later that week. When I last spoke to him, he was just happy to be up and moving around. At the hospital, he was agitated and wanted to go home. Back when our coworker died, almost nine years ago, I was able to give his wife the comfort of a conversation I had had with him just weeks before. Another coworker was very sick and was going through a double lung transplant and rb made a comment about what a good life he’d had and that if he died tomorrow, he had no regrets. I wish I could think of a time when my father might have said something like that. I pray that he felt that way.

Friends, if anything were to happen to me, I want you to know that I have loved my life. I have no real regrets. I have had more blessings and joy than any one person deserves. And I know that it all pales in comparison to what God has waiting for me in the life after. Would I be sad to leave my loved ones behind? To not see my beautiful son grow into an amazing man? Absolutely! But, truly, it is well with my soul.

i don’t watch news.  i don’t keep up with weather, outside of a quick peek out on the balcony, unless i’m checking the forecast for packing.  but it was a common occurrence for my dad to call asking if we were okay and then explain all the terrible weather that he was seeing on the news around us.  it was actually kind of funny because a lot of time he would be worried about tornadoes or something and it would be bright and sunny here.  today, i found out that i don’t have to miss those calls.  my dad’s wife is up north visiting her family and called me this morning to ask if we were okay.  she said she saw some bad weather around us and was worried (it was just overcast in my backyard).  my heart swelled.  i miss my daddy so much but he would be so proud to know that we’re still looking out for each other.

i miss my daddy so much.  i can’t say how many times i’ve thought about calling him.  or wondered why he hasn’t called me.  this was the last call we shared:

had i just known...

it’s been over three weeks. looking back through my call history, we never went over three days between calls.  i was just starting to sort through medical bills to get all that straightened out (which, naturally made me think of him anyhow since one of his favorite pastimes was griping about his medical bills) and i came across the birthday card that he gave the turkey on the day he was born.  queue deluge of tears.  *sigh*  it hurts so much to think of how much he wanted to be a part of the turkey’s life.  i’m eternally grateful that he got to meet his grandson but the selfish part of me can’t help but feel sorrow for all of the years he’ll miss out on.

after ten not-so-relaxing weeks, i started back to work today.  the turkey must have heard the plan so mr sleeps-8-hour-nights decided to be awake every 30 minutes all last night.  i think it was the worse night yet (aside from the post-shots campouts).  other than being insanely tired and not being able to take a nap, i think the day worked out okay.  i’m still not sure how well all this will work as his wake time increases but we’re just doing a day at a time right now.  i guess between the sleep-deprivation and the familiarity of the work routine, i got off a call today and caught myself saying that it’s been a few days since my dad called.  i don’t think he’s gone more than three days between calls this whole year and he had a habit of calling in the middle of the day while i was in the middle of something at work or on a work call.  odd that that sent me into a crying fit but not the email from his wife a little later saying that she had picked up his ashes.

my dad was not a perfect man.  in the past, he had a drinking problem and wasn’t a very nice man.  i do have some fond childhood memories of being “daddy’s little girl” but those were really the exception.  even in his later years, he had many character flaws and could seriously drive me nuts with computer calls.  the one thing that cannot be denied, however, was his devotion to family in the last decade and a half or so.

• he never missed a single season of going to at least one of each of his grandkids’ sporting events.  it didn’t matter that he lived 45 minutes away, he was there to show his support.
• he showed up for every holiday event that he was invited to and was just happy to be a part of it.
• he went all the way to north ga while battling illnesses to check out his DIL’s new restaurant, even though his relationship with his son was less than ideal.
• he filled his house with pictures of his son and his family just to feel close to them.
• he drove six hours to watch his SIL complete an all-day race, despite severe health issues.
• he was there to see his first grandson graduate even though it meant climbing steps when he needed a walker just to walk.
• he left in the middle of a blood transfusion to be here to meet his newest grandson on the day he was born.
• he never stopped defending his ex-wife, constantly telling people what a great mother she was and encouraging reconciliation for things he didn’t understand.

my daddy was a man who transformed himself, with the help of others, from a mean alcoholic to a loving father and friend.  i was really proud of him for overcoming his past, even though he still had his moments.  he had regrets and tried his best to make amends for them.  i am so thankful for the relationship that we built in my adult years and will cherish the memories we created during that time for the rest of my life.

as i mentioned in my previous post, i fully expected the effects of the stroke to be worse the next day but i honestly did think there would be a next day.  it never for a second occurred to me that those last few words we exchanged would be the last.  would i have said anything different?  i don’t know.  i guess i would have told him all those things he already knew but it would have been more for my benefit than his anyhow.  i am so fortunate to be so certain that he knew. Read the rest of this entry »

last sunday, we left alabama and started the long drive down to orlando.  shortly after crossing the florida line, i called my dad to let him know how the drive was going and what our plans were.  he again invited us to stay with them but i told him that they didn’t need a crying baby in the house, especially since he had only gotten home from the hospital on thursday and they needed their rest.  my plan was to stay at my sissy’s and we would leave right after the turkey’s first feeding of the day to spend all day tomorrow with him.  when i called, he was actually out back working in the yard and he was proud of himself for it because it had been weeks since he felt good enough to get outside at all.  we had a great conversation… he was feeling good, sounding like himself, and super excited to see the turkey again.

according to my phone history, i called him at 16:39 on sunday, 19 october 2014 and we talked for 16 mins and 2 secs.

two hours and ten minutes later, my world crashed. Read the rest of this entry »

today was the turkey’s 8 week shots.  they started with the oral rota vaccine which seemed to be quite the treat.  unfortunately, his enjoyment was short-lived as the nurse moved on to the needles.  she quickly jabbed two shots in one thigh and one shot in the other thigh.  it’s good that she was quick about it but the poor turkey’s response was immediate with the first stick.  he didn’t even cry… he instantly went to the silent scream – and momma’s heart just broke!  my poor little guy.  after the third stick, daddy swooped in and cuddled him back to calmness.  to me, that says an awful lot.  the nurses were talking about how a lot of babies need to be nursed after shots to calm down but he has such a good and trusting relationship with his daddy that he didn’t need momma’s bribery.  i don’t know that a lot of babies see enough of their daddies to be calmed by them like that.  we stayed in the office just a bit to make sure he was okay and wasn’t going to need some of momma’s special comforting.  the little trooper fell asleep and we moved onto the errand portion of the day.  we purposely planned a bunch of errands so that we could stay close to the dr’s office for a few hours in case he had any kind of reaction.  after a bite of lunch, we went into the mall to find a comfy seat for me to feed him.  he woke up and ate without any fuss but he did have his first public diaper blowout and costume change.  we finished his feeding, finished our errands, and headed home.  i thought he would be super fussy but he’s mostly just been lethargic.  he’s had a few bouts of unusual shrieking but they’ve been brief.  i’m so proud of my little man.

In other news, he’s weighing in at 11lbs, 12.5oz and 22.75 inches. Growing like a little chunky monkey!

chicks dig scars... and bugs bunny bandaids

it’s been a teary week.  while it was a fantastic weekend, I was faced with the harsh realization that he’s doing much worse than I thought.  for all these months, he’s been feeding me a bunch of upbeat bs over the phone.  it’s so hard to see just how weak he’s actually gotten.  I feel like it’s time to start preparing but I can’t imagine how I can possibly ever say goodbye.

oncologist signed off on the experimental treatment so the heart condition isn’t going to be a problem after all (hopefully).  program should start next month.  praying with all my heart.

one of hubby’s first cousins was killed today in a car accident.  her five week old baby was in the car but, praise God, the car seat left him unharmed.  it’s not that we really knew her well but we just saw her two weeks ago at a family reunion (organized because her mom has cancer and isn’t doing well so the family wanted to get together while she can).  she was so proud showing off her new little baby.  it’s just such a shock.  she was three months older than me.  she left behind a mother, father, 8 year old daughter, 5 week old son, ex-husband, newlywed husband, two brothers and a pile of nephews and nieces.

apparently there’s some question now as to whether the existing heart condition is going to be a problem for undergoing the experimental treatment.  this makes me mighty sad.

This is my fertile week.  it’s pretty difficult to make a baby when your lady bits are burning and your kidney is throbbing and screaming in pain.  a whole wasted month…  it’s just enough to make me cry myself to sleep tonight.