what a crazy, social, fun halloween weekend!  several weeks ago, sunny invited us to a punkin carving party so the fun started when hubby brought this cutie home earlier this week.

a right cute lil fella

dexter and his victim

dexter hubby

    

punkins of the night

this is my little guy:

my bats in the bellfry

saturday found us going to two parties.  some friends invited us to their big neighborhood party and some other friends invited us to the costume bash at our favorite local club to celebrate halloween and a birthday.  this was the start of my costume prep:

candy corn manicure

i really do love this costume.  sad that i’ll probably need to retire it now that i’ve worn it in both towns i’m likely to.  i even got asked to be in the costume contest at the club.  sadly, i didn’t make it to the final round but i was proud to get recognized.

working the candy corn

arrested for stealing candy corn?

we headed to the first party around quarter of 6 and didn’t get home from the second until 02:00. that’s a lot of candy corning around!  sunday afternoon, we got an invitation to a cookout that we couldn’t refuse.  being social is a blast but i need a weekend to recuperate now!

 

life is a funny, funny thing. one minute, you feel like you’re on top of the world, and then life knocks you down ten pegs. the fact of the matter is… i have a fabulous life. i know this. i am thankful for this. i am truly blessed. but life is still life. and we do not control our worlds. and sometimes our world will tip upside down to spite us. all i can do is hope and pray. and i do. i hope. i pray every day.

i guess i learned that lesson and so i’ve been silent.  well, that’s not entirely accurate.  thanks to fabulous friends, there is always some fun lurking around the corner so i should have nice things to rant but, at the end of the day, i always end up back in my head and i just can’t rant from there.  i’ve been living in a dark place for close to a year now.  i pray daily but can’t seem to find the right steps out.  i feel despondent… and occasionally apathetic, which is really frightening.  mostly, i feel angry with myself because i truly thought that i had it all figured out and was prepared.  i feel like a fool.  like a failure.  i pray for the strength to keep hope alive.

i think it’s pretty clear that i’m never going to get caught up on this blog so i might as well just do a short compendium of what i’ve been up to the last six months and go from there.  maybe, just maybe, i can get back into this.  so, here’s what’s been going on:

• in the eleven holiday seasons i have spent with my hubby, 2009 was the first time we spent Christmas with my family.  it was a lot of fun and i’m so glad we did it.  not that i don’t love my in-laws but it was a nice change to spend such a special time with mine.
• we also threw our first real party – a new year’s eve party (hmm, i thought i had posted pix on fb but apparently not).  it was wildly successful and everyone had a blast.  there was tons of food, rock band, and a cheesy prom-style photo booth.  it was great and i look forward to trying again next year. 
• hubby ran his first full marathonat disney.  it was a fun and full weekend.  we went with a bunch of friends from around home and stayed at a super nice hotel together.  we watched my cousin and a several friends run the half marathon in the snow, sleet, and rain.  yep, snow in orlando.  second time in my life i’ve seen that.  the next day, hubby and a bunch of friends ran the full marathon.  he hated it when he finished but i think he’ll do it again. 
• i spent many, many long weeks training for my first half marathon, which is about the only thing that actually has been posted here in the last six months. 
• after years of planning, we finally hiked the grand canyon!  it was such an amazing experience and i was incredibly proud of myself at the end of it.  way more of an accomplishment than the half marathon. 
• we celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary with a day of boating and relaxing.  i love my husband.
• i have become a true surf-widow.  if there’s the slightest hint of surf when the work day is done, hubby is out the door.  i might need to give it a try sometime this summer.
• we have spent countless weekends and nights having great times with our fabulous friends.  this is by far the best place we have lived!

i have very mixed feelings about the matter.  i thought i would cross the finish line with a sense of accomplishment.  i felt… nothing of the sort.  i felt relief at being done.  i felt pride in having such a truly awesome group of friends hanging around just to cheer me on.  but i did not feel like i had really DONE anything; it just didn’t feel like a big deal.  which made me just a little sad because, for me, this should have been a big deal.  it’s so much more than i ever could have seen myself doing.  not because i didn’t think i could but because i never had the desire.  about the only thing that i really felt good about was my time.  after all of my training, i was certain that it was going to take me three hours and fifteen minutes to run a half marathon.  i didn’t see any way around that.  my official chip time was 3:03:54.  i ran it more than eleven minutes faster than i realistically thought i could.  granted, i would have loved to have gotten down to under three hours but i finished knowing that there was absolutely no way that i could have done that today.  i left nothing on the course.  i also felt good about having a negative split.  the second half of my race was nearly two minutes faster than the first half.

hanging toward the back of the crowd to start - the blue shirt just right of my head is cargo starting his 2nd half mary

honestly, i had fun.  i really did.  the first nine miles, i was having just a great time.  after nine miles, i became aware of my legs.  they weren’t hurting or over-tired but i just suddenly felt them.  of course, that’s about the time that the course got a little lonely too.  it was an out-and-back course so the first half, i was able to cheer on all of the fast folks who were already heading back toward me.  when i finally reached the turn-around and started back myself, i had the slower folks still heading out to cheer on.  it made me feel good to cheer others on, whether they really needed it or not.  and it was a thrill every time we passed one of our friends; totally recharged me.  somewhere around the nine mile mark, we had already gone by all of the slower people so it was pretty much just me and my husband. 

at least there were some scenic stretches

look, i'm a runner

and, while i’m on that subject – my husband rocks!  i could not have done that race without him.  he bandited so that he could trot along with me.  he talked with me and kept me company.  he carried the camera to take pix of me and all of our friends.  most importantly, he did all of my aid station stops for me.  when we approached a table, he would grab the bottles out of my fuel belt and go fill them – one with water and one with gatorade.  i never had to stop at a table so i was able to do my walk/fuel breaks when i wanted or needed to rather than when the course dictated them.

my favorite pic of the day; i made hubby stop to take it. if you know him, you know why.

anyhow, i still felt pretty good going past the twelve mile mark.  i was a little surprised because i was sure i should have hit my “wall”.  i became confident that if i hadn’t hit it yet, i wouldn’t.  i looked at my watch and thought i’d be able to finish strong and beat three hours.  and then, the last half mile, there it was.  WHAM!  having never hit a wall before, i could not believe just how debilitating it was.  within mere seconds i went from feeling like i had it in the bag to feeling like i couldn’t possibly pick up my legs anymore.  i have no idea how i managed to keep them moving that last .5 mile.  by the time i finally turned a corner and saw the finish line in the distance, i was chanting to myself that i could do it.  luckily, that was the same time i started to hear my friends screaming my name and the very same sentiments.  that was what i needed to push me.  i found just enough energy to carry myself across the line and i was so glad to be done.  i had intended to pay attention to my finish line photo but i was just too daggum tired to lift my arms in victory.  my friend tat greeted me with a big hug and praise when i crossed and i couldn’t even lift my arms to hug her back.  i was done. 

DONE. in every sense of the word.

i walked around a while, choked down a banana, picked up my medal and my ugly purse, and went back to the line to wait for another friend who had not yet finished.  i walked up the course a bit so that i could meet her and cheer her to the end.  i am so glad that i did not finish with her.  the finish line had been taken down by the time she finished and the crowds were all gone.  i would have been so demoralized.  i’m not sure how she felt about it all but i’m glad that i was there for her.  she was crying by the time she finally crossed where the line had been. 

showing off my well-earned blingage and ugy purse

all in all, it was a positive experience and i’m glad i did it.  it was just a disappointment that it didn’t make me feel better about myself.  and, though the race was quite a bit of fun, the weeks of training were horrible torture that i don’t think i would readily endure again.  we’ll see though.  with this group of nutty friends, anything is possible.

it's official. i'm a half-marathoner

apparently, now that i’m just over a week from race day, i’ve given up on training.  i did do my eleven miler for last weekend’s long run and every second of it was torture.  my legs were just dead from the 24+ miles that i put on them last week.  the first lap of it, my legs were seriously tight.  the second lap, they had loosened up and i was feeling pretty good.  the third lap, i had absolutely nothing left.  it was seriously all i could do to pick my legs up each step.  i was so happy to finish that one.  there were other factors too:  it was hot, my audiobook had reset itself so that i had to listen to four chapters over again, not a single dolphin in sight, and we got a later start so i was famished half way through (though i did eat two strawberry newtons every 45 minutes). 

the rest of my week got off to a good start.  i surprised myself by getting my three miler over with the day after the eleven.  vast improvement from my first niner when i couldn’t walk for several days.  but then i was supposed to run four on wednesday.  and i just didn’t want to.  so i ran my five on thursday at the bridge and figured i’d go back and do four friday.  but hubby wasn’t feeling it either.  and i was supposed to do seven over the weekend but after staying up until the wee hours two nights in a row, i just don’t see it happening.  and i just don’t care anymore.  i know i can do 13.1.  and i know it’s going to be slow no matter how well trained i am.  judging by that eleven, i’m probably better off going on cold legs anyhow because it was so hard dragging my dead-tired legs eleven miles. 

this was my big week, aka let’s-make-my-legs-despise-me week.  and it worked big time.  the nine miles actually wasn’t terrible.  i woke up and set out with a positive attitude.  i made a conscious decision to not worry about my time or my pace or anything else.  i was not going to push myself into another leg injury like my last niner.  i stayed slow and steady.  i walked when i needed to and didn’t feel guilty about it.  nine miles was three laps of the bridge.  each lap, there was a pod of dolphins playing in the bay to help entertain me.  i love living here.  hubby walked along side me while i ran.  yep, that’s how slow i am.  and i’m fine with it.  unfortunately, because i postponed last week’s long run until sunday, that meant that in order to rest my legs after, i had to run three consecutive days.  my body is not meant for such things and i tweaked something funky in my left leg.  it was like a knotted muscle right on top of my shin.  so this week’s long run will end up being pushed to sunday and messing up next week all over again.  i want my legs to have as much time and icing as they need to get over it. 

also of interest, hubby carried the gps to the park one night and we found that the loop i’ve been doing there is actually 1.12 miles.  this means that last week’s 7 miler was actually 7.84 which makes me feel much better about the time it took.  likewise, the nine miles i put in there this week was actually over ten. 

thankfully, this has been a slightly better week for running.  it still sucks and is hard but my attitude isn’t quite as negative as last week, when i was totally ready to give up on this 13.1.  the bridge run was actually a great run for me.  i ran 6ish miles in 1:18:30 which is really a great pace for me, especially all things considered.  i tried to force myself to stay semi-positive by smiling (or at least contorting my face into a smile-like-mask while bracing against the cold wind).  hubby stayed with me for most of it and, on the way back, scooter and train slowed down to trot with me too… it was the first time i’ve ever run in a pack on the bridge!!!  let me tell you, it so helps to have people around you and talking with you.  i even managed to finish the last .01 mile with a nice little sprint. 

as has become the norm, no long run this weekend due to <insert excuse here>.  This one happens to be my inability to breeve thanks to a nasty head cold.  thanks, health, for conspiring against my efforts to be more healthy.

thanks to my recurring leg injury, i feel very behind on my 13.1 training after a highly slothful week.  a few days, i could really barely walk.  oh well, it’ll all work out somehow.

my first week of 13.1 training went very well, imo.  the second week, however, was nonexistent.  epic fail.  in all fairness, hubby’s marathon and a very agrivating illness derailed me.  which really stinks because i needed to do an 8 mile run last week but it had to be postponed until this week which made me feel like i had to up it.  jumping from six to nine… oy!  i did remind myself this week that walking in the sand is really, really good for my running legs.  i need to make a bigger effort to incorporate that into my training.  if i can walk at all tomorrow, i should take it to the sand.

it’s not that i haven’t been active at all, it’s just that i haven’t had the time or motivation for ranting in general for the last month or two.  there’s plenty that i have to say and show but it takes time and energy and i have neither.  anyhow, i at least need to get back to my weekly activity reports because i am officially in half-marathon training now.  i finally signed up sunday so there’s no turning back now.  holy crap!

for ten years, the only dreams that i have had about the ramada have been flashbacks… vivid nocturnal memories of the nightmare of being robbed, pepper-sprayed, and beaten with a gun.  most of the time, the dream was true to the reality.  occasionally, the dream was far worse, preying on my gratitude for knowing how much worse that night could have been.  over the years, i dream less and less about it.  i think less and less about it. 

twice in the last month, i have dreamt about going back to work at the ramada.  in these dreams, i am fully aware of that night… and yet i am perfectly happy to be back there working again.   

interesting, methinks.

well now that i’ve finally finished my travel log for our vacation over a month ago, i can allow myself to resume regular rants again.  or something like that.  we’ll see how well i do.  my health has been conspiring against me for the last several weeks.  i didn’t get started on the travel log right away because i came back from vacation sick.  it’s been on and off since then.  culminating in the horrible-stomach-bug-of-thanksgiving-2009 and the sinus infection/headcold that has flourished this last week.  good grief.  i used to be a healthy person, didn’t i? i was joking with hubby that the thanksgiving incident was to be blamed on our four mile run that morning but now i’m really starting to wonder.  it seems i’ve had more flus, colds, infections this year than i have since working at the daycare center ten years ago.  the only difference is my increased activity.  perhaps running my body down is doing more harm than good.  such is life.   so a little catchup for the last month:

• hubby finally had surgery to remove the cyst from his neck.  we were relieved to have the growing mass excised and more relieved that there were no indications of cancer or nerve damage. 
• our condo hosted an “owner’s party” the night before the annual election.  i’m sure there was one last year too but we must have been out of town.  we had a good time with some of our neighbors and even won two door prizes:  a gift certificate to a salon for a shampoo/cut/style and a $25 gift certificate to a local winery.  it’s so nice to be a winner every so often.
• hubby is now officially on the board of the condo.  good thing?  we’ll see.
• work has become nothing more than an endless MONDAY.  i have nothing more to say about that.
• the thanksgiving diet gave me a reaffirmed appreciation for my in-laws.  they were so, so good to me in my time of need.  and it was nice to have a mommy while i was so sick.
• the thanksgiving diet, however, was very unwanted fodder for the rumor mill.  several times i had to say, between heaves, “yes, i am certain.”  my SIL actually called me all excited asking if i had news for her.  said i, “no news other than that your FIL has high hopes.”  she was mighty disappointed.
• it amazes me, knowing me and all, that i have become the type of  person to get up early on a weekend just to go and cheer on a bunch of runners in a race.  who am i?!
• we are having a nye party.  i’ve never thrown a party.  ever.  (okay, that’s not true, i threw a beautiful bridal shower for my friend last year but that was with a great deal of assistance from my very classy sissy)  you know what i mean.  so anyhow, i’m starting to get excited because it looks like it may actually be successful.  we’re already up to about fifteen attendees so that rocks.
• that is all for now.  perhaps i’ll be able to resume regular ranting now.